I’m usually behind the times a bit. And when I say “behind the times” I mean I live my life 8 days late. So I put together a list of resolutions for the next year and since I am normally highly unorganized and lazy I though it would help if I listed them by the months I will do them in.
January:
–learn what foot goes where in the fourth position in Ballet
-get book deal for what will be a hugely sucessful book (available at your nearest Reformed College bookstore!) “Stuff Calvinists Like”
-start a blog where I can wax long and eloquently about how studying abroad in York changed my life, outlook on the world, vision for my vocation, how I view God’s mercy and yadda yadda ya.
-Figure out how airports work. Cause I really, really want to go to Britain and not get left behind at the airport.
Feburary:
–realize that actually having to research Calvinism in order to find out what followers of that religious philosophy like is boring. Begin writing a book entiteled “Stuff Charismatics Like”
-start faking speaking in tongues again (I was once quite the expert in it. I felt bad about it, but I really wanted to go to Taco Bell after the service and those marathon prayer sessions for me to “catch the spirit” or whatever dragged on far too long)
-Find a happy-clappy, prosperity gospel, charismatic church in York to attend to learn the latest lingo
March:
-“Stuff Charismatics Like” falls through, because I sleep in more often than I research
-Turn to alcohol to fill the void in my soul that Greek left (no Greek next semester, cause I guess York St. John is too cool for dead languages)
April:
–Atempt to sober up before realizing that drinking helps my ability to decipher Revelations
-Decide that my vocation is end times prophecy (y’all should have seen this one coming when I used the phrase “Left behind” in January)
-Read Revelations (and maybe Daniel, if I get to it) and bookmark cnn.com
May:
-graduate but not attend graduation b/c I am in York starting my end times ministry
-read Daniel (if I didn’t get to it last month)
June:
–wrap up my semester in York blog by talking about how uber-terrific-fantastic it all was
-reunite with the RA and make her vice-profit prophet
July:
–appear on Jack Van Impe and 700 Club, collect much profit and pay down college loans
-buy a crap-ton of fireworks at the Indiana border to celebrate the fourth with
August:
–get caught with male prostitute…blame it on the alcohol which in turn was caused by my puppy dying when I was four
-go into exile on an exotic island…can we pretend Detroit is an exotic island?
September:
-celebrate being 23
-visit some grad schools
October:
-Write my autobiography where I get all apologetic and melodramatic
-sell the rights to my autobiography to ABC so they can start filming the made for television movie about it
-get Vin Diesel to play the-boy-who-makes-me-food in the movie
November:
-presuade Five Iron Frenzy to do a reunion tour…also persuade Reese that astromaut emo songs are not where it’s at
-start applying to grad schools
December:
-Finally get a pony for Christmas
-learn how to play ultimate frisbee
This is why I am going to York (image stolen from a prophecy website...I swear I am much better in photoshop)
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