Calvin Events to Attend: Cokes and Clubs

The key thing to remember about this event: There really is no coke ( Calvin is a Pepsi campus) and there is no cocaine either (we may be the liberal scum of the Christian College universe but we’ll never go there). “Cokes” and Clubs evidently sounds better than “Pepsi” and Clubs, or maybe Coke is considered cooler amongst the indie crowd-we will never know.

What to expect: Tables will form a horseshoe on Common’s Lawn and give you candy in order to entice you to join a club. By the end of the day you will have put yourself on 51 different mailing lists, on the first day of classes no less. And a lot of clubs you will have put yourself on the mailing list for because you felt bad taking the candy while ignoring the sale’s pitch of the earnest face behind the desk, and because it is implied that Jesus himself would join their club had he gone to Calvin College circa 2008 because he really cares about the environment, sociology, the Simpsons, hardcore music, etc, etc.

What to avoid: Bible Bonanza, me yelling at you to join the rugby team or whatever else I’m campaigning for that day, Chimes (they are so desperate it’s frightening) and those vegan indie scum.

How to fit in: If you are there w/out a pack of friends scurry around frantically, firmly believing that you will make no friends or be looked down upon if you do not join a club. If you are in a pack of people adopt the sheeple mentality (we are Christians, after all, and quite good at it) and only sign up for things the others sign up for. In either case you should hoard as much free Pepsi as you can.

Adventures with Mr. Munchy: The Detroit Axemen

Motorcycle clubs are just about the coolest things ever. You dress up in all leather, be totally badass, grow your hair and belly as much as you want and do whatever you want whenever you want. The only thing that could possibly make motorcycle clubs any cooler is if the club were full of firefighters. Enter the Axemen.

We had intended to just return Gary’s truck and then go pick up stuff at Best Buy, but we ended up at the Axemen’s clubhouse (of which Gary is the president). An old mortuary has never looked so good (they even have the old mortuary tables in the back).

They haven’t been in there for very long but they have already cleaned up the rough neighborhood they are in and have made their clubhouse look spectacular.

Although their logo (fig. 1) is a little lacking compared to the club for the police (fig. 2). I think I’ll become a police officer, if only to join the motorcycle club, because their logo goes with my already existing tattoo so much better.

So Mr. Munchy and I ended up spending the evening with the Axemen. Which begged the question, how come so many of the women involved in motorcycling look so trashy? And wouldn’t long hair get in the way? And how the heck does the Munch man have so many random connections?

Further updates will come when we return to the clubhouse on thursday to take pictures.

Pictures of the clubhouse may be seen here:<a href=”http://www.axemenmc.org/photogallery/10YrParty/index.html”&gt;.

Tupac is in Neon Horse! (part one)

It has recently come to my attention that Tupac Shakur is really alive somewhere. It has also come to my attention that Neon Horse is one of the greatest bands of all time (and quite addiction-worthy). How are these two related? Well, that’s easy enough if you use your brain.

I beg to differ with my fellow theorists that Tupac has been reincarnated as another rapper. Why would he go back to the same industry if he wanted to lay low? Anyone who believes that is just stupid. What could possibly be a better place to lay low in than Tooth and Nail records, who have lately been sucking hardcore ( with a few obvious exceptions)?

To start, let’s analyze a few lines from the lyrics of the first song on the record, “Cuckoo!” (which incidentally runs 2:25, and it’s just a coincidence that Tupac died at 25, right?)

“And you’re HOT HOT On my trail and you know that it’s NOT NOT Not my fault but you know that you GOTTA GOTTA Pin the Tail… ” Now, obviously, this means that everyone is hot on Tupac’s trail, since most of the world is aware that he faked his own death. And it’s not his fault that Diddy was the object of a hoax that stated that he killed Tupac. Tupac never meant for anyone to be credited with his “murder”.

In the rest of “Cuckoo!” there is a constant refrain of “all else failed!” Tupac just wanted to change the world, but the cops and everyone were always hating on him. So he had to go underground to get everyone off his back and to truly be able to change the system.

Here’s yet another telling lyric from “I know—I just don’t care”

'Cause I'm here to bleed.
Been down in the dungeons.
Been high on the plains.

So obvious there is no need for words—Tupac is coming clean about his adventures since being “murdered.”

More revelations to follow as I discover them…

[ but here’s a video to hold you all over until the next installment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTd_M_0mbVQ]

Calvin College Demographics: The MRS degree seekers

Usually a phenomena found at private Christian colleges and Bible colleges, a quick Google search has shown that this lifestyle is also catching on at more prestigious universities, such as Harvard. But don’t dare call these individuals lazy! Oh no, they have worked hard to get into this small, liberal arts college and have no qualms about draining their daddy’s bank account paying upwards of $40,000 a year. They are rather young, conservative, Christian women who believe the Bible when it says that a woman’s only use is for her uterus and for wiping the kiddies’ noses.

But they know that this calling is infeasible with just any dude (especially if they want to maintain a certain standard of living), so they often will choose carefully an engineer, pre-med or pre-law major. Also opted for is a pastor/youth pastor, since they know that even if God won’t provide they will be looked up to by their churches, communities, and all the youth group girls.

So, without further ado, the three groupings which these women fall into:

Those after the sugar daddies:

• After engineers or pre-med (pre-law to a lesser extent)
• Will be on a constant hunt, but will only seriously start dating sophomore year.
• Will marry after graduation, after he has already found a job (no dough, no marriage)
• Will have the wedding all planned by second semester of freshman year
• “What, me learn?” They will have learned absolutely nothing in all their semesters at Calvin, or they just don’t care about how retarded they look referencing Harry Potter in Philosophy of Gender.
• See no problem paying over $40,000 a year just to get married and never use their degree again
• Will question spouse-to-be concerning what sort of engineer or doctor they planned to be, genes, family history and family wealth (somebody has to buy the starter house in the gated community)
• Can be found mostly in elementary education, nursing, interdisciplinary majors, religion, biology and psychology.

Those after Pastors and/or youth pastors:

• Will come in dating their husband-to-be or will find them first semester
• Will be married by junior year. By second year NT greek all the pre-seminary students will have a serious girlfriend or are already engaged.
• Can often be found in the religion department, although they are not really sure what they are doing there…
• If not in the religion department, they can also be found in the psychology department, learning how to help people (awwwwww…)

The desperate ones:

• Will get married to anyone at anytime (even people from Cornerstone!). But they later will bitch about how they have to work, even though they married a sophomore philosophy major.
• Will join the pastor-seekers in the most disadvantaged group ever.

Calvin College Demographics: Classics Majors

A small sub-set, yes; but chances are that you have taken a classics course for core. [Note for the “special” among us, this refers to the classics as in Greek, Latin, the Parthenon and Jupiter]. You may have had a few students in your class with you that you waaaaay too into the subject matter, used funny sounding words during discussions that only they and the prof understood, and showed you up in every class discussion-they were probably classics majors.

They tend to get excited about Greek and Latin, can give you the entire family tree of Theseus at the drop of a hat, recite Agamemnon’s death scene in Aeschylus’ Agamemnon (in either English or Greek) and joke around about reviving the Dionysian mysteries. They also pronounce Hercules as Herakles for no god-damned reason (ok, so there is a reason behind it other than it makes them look smarter, but still, wtf?)

At Calvin, you will find this rare and elusive breed hanging out in the Classics department. Who doesn’t want to hang out with the Classics profs and listen to Stephen Mellis’ stories all day? They are also found in the tiny conference room waaaaaay down the classics/philosophy hallway b/c all the Classics courses which are not offered as a part of core tend to be on the small side (2-8 people).

Why be a Classics major?

• so that your virtue may increase
• you get to see Williams, Winkle, Bratt, Kim and Noe every day, ’nuff said
• K. Bratt says its cool. If Bratt says it, I believe it, that settles it.
• Its definitely a conversation starter, everyone knows several engineers, nurses, elementary ed, and art majors…but since there are so few Classics majors chances are you’ll be the first one your friends know, instant coolness!
• You will come off as an expert in ancient culture, no one will dare argue with you
• You get to hang out with your favorite Dinosaur! (which is me, by the way)

What can I do with it?

• Be a Professor (this is the road most traveled)
• Trophy Spouse (second most commonly chosen path)
• Benevolent dictator of the world (least taken path)
• Be that one tour guide that lies to stupid Americans. They will believe anything you tell them. Srsly. (“Welcome to Pompeii, hometown of the Apostle Paul!”)

A warning though, they don’t interact in modern society well, unable to discuss modern literature, philosophy, and technology. They pay less for books than you do though, so be jealous.

Update on “How To be Indie Scum”

I hear from a very reliable source that some indie scum are all about studying in Hungary now. This reliable source is scared of being associated with them next semester. How to aleviate this? Try not going to Hungary, for starters (come to Egypt with your favorite dinosaur! Or to Australia with everyone’s favorite roommate from E2!). Stay away from Honduras too, the “unique” indie scum and social justice people (more on them later) are there.

How To Have Your Very Own Worship Song Performed

I was going to hold off on this one until I had written a how-to about how to write your very own worship song, But anyone with even a minimal and passing knowledge of modern Christian music knows how easy that is (but maybe I still will one day when I feel like stating the obvious).

So below is how to have your very own worship song performed live.

The Instruments:

• Have a lot of guitars onstage, because the kids really dig them. Three is a really good number. But always have more acoustic guitars onstage, and never more than one electric one. Why? Because more electric guitars says, “we’re a rock band” and as Darlene Zschech and Sonic Flood know, it’s all about Jesus and not the money, fame or headlining tours. To ensure that your electric guitarist is under no rock-star aspirations make sure he gets really into the act of worship- while keeping him well off to the side. NEVER allow him to sing.
• Have one of your acoustic guitarists to sing, it lends a folksy, sitting-around-the-campfire-with-the-youthgroup feel. Also, if the guitarist happens to be male, it will help meet your male-female worship leaders quota.
• The bassist might be a sandal wearing hippie, make him stay in the back.
• Pianos are an absolute essential. They lend a traditional feel to the worship which is balanced by the drumset.
• Keyboards are totally in this year. Have one in addition to the piano.

The Singers (aka. Worship leaders):

• Have more than three but less than seven, five is typically a good number.
• Unless its an all-male ensemble have more female singers than males. Three-two is a really good ratio.
• These female singer should be somewhat cute, but not beautiful. When in doubt, choose the plain looking ones dressed in neutral colors (one may dress in a pink skirt but that’s the limit). Their outfits should be on the boring and frumpy side too. You wouldn’t want them to distract the male worshippers.

But MOST importantly…

…Make sure that none of your band members are very talented. Extreme talent would distract the worshippers from worshipping. They would be listening to the beautiful and pleasing sounds instead of belting out your tune. Also, not having talent up on stage will make the worshippers feel more comfortable about their own talent.

Calvin College Demographics: How Married Students are the Most Disadvantaged Group Ever

Fact: It is hard to find single, attractive and marriage-worthy Christian people after college. If this were not so, why would most of the population of Calvin College try so very hard to get married during college or the weeks immediantly following graduation? Everyone jokes about the “senior scramble” but underneath each jokester’s eyes, especially if they are Juniors or Seniors, lies a look of desperation.

In the olden days (the 1970s and ’80s), it was expected that Calvin grads would walk across the stage to recieve their diploma and into the loving arms of a spouse…Hell, a lot of people think that that’s the soul reason we have a chapel on campus! And presently the unofficial motto is “Ring by Spring or your money back!” And who knows if you’ll ever find another Christian to marry once you enter the evil and fallen professional world? Additionally, how is one ever supposed to have sex if one never gets married?

So then why is life so hard for these married students, who are just doing what is best for them (and not to mention society and Calvin, since they will be having lovely Christian children who will graduate from Grand Rapids Christian before entering Calvin and voting Republican for the rest of their lives)? And let’s not forget that Jesus wants us all to marry, Paul be damned on this point!

To back up this point, I humbly present this letter to the Chimes the week of Feb. 22, 2008.

Dear Editor,

I found the article regarding housing options for Calvin students well written and informative; however, it failed me on one major point.

It neglected to mention any options for married undergrad students here at Calvin.

I know that an increasing number of Calvin students are getting married early in college, yet we are ignored when it comes to cheaper housing options.

It is impossible for us to live on campus, and even harder for us to find a decently priced house or apartment near campus.

For two college students who receive no financial assistance from their parents and who are unable to work full-time at well paying jobs, a $600 apartment or house is hard to afford.

Married students here at Calvin are often overlooked. We are forgotten when school isn’t canceled because most students live on campus or in close proximity.

We are ignored with regard to housing opportunities and many other issues.

As married couples supporting ourselves, we deserve equal opportunities, as any other Calvin students.

Jessica Wilcoxson, ’10

This is nothing less than discrimination! This poor sophomore! Somebody needs to do something about this crisis. It must be known that even at heathenistic State schools there is housing for married students, couples there do not have to pawn off their engagement rings to make the security deposit or to buy gas for their one to two mile car trek to school!

Calvin College Demographics Pt 2: How to be Indie

Indie scum are a plague infiltrating the world. This is also one of Calvin College’s biggest demographics. Many come from families headed by an older generation of indie scum, some from yuppies and other come from religious families and they take great delight in confusing/pissing them off.

Simple lifestyle changes you can make in order to be an indie kid:

• Ride a bike older than you are (or at least looks like it)
• Listen to music which bears the name indie [don’t worry yourself with the fact that technically “indie” isn’t a genre]. This type of music really isn’t deeper or more insightful than regular, run-of-the-mill stuff (although you should pretend it is), just more incomprehensible and it will incorporate really bad instrumentation and awful vocals.
• Be vegan. Anybody can be a vegetarian, but you are special. Act superior about it.
• Go downtown. By “downtown” mean Easttown. The real downtown is gross. Ride your bike there.
• Easttown= Cross Cultural Experience. Going there regularly and partaking in the plethora of cultural experiences there makes you feel better about going to an upper-middle class predominately white school. Double points if you live in Easttown and invite your minority neighbors to a vegan dinner.
• Join Sankofa. Bring your drun everywhere with you (or at least the cool textile bag it came in). [Note: Sankofa is no longer an official club at Calvin, but buy a drum anyhow]
• Go to Ghana. Have it change your life. Bring it up in every conversation you have (especially among other indies to further your cred)
• Smoking is cool. Even if you do not smoke give the appearance thereof by hanging out in the smoking pits.
• Ken Heffner is the man. Worship every band that he finds great and go to every concert he organizes.
• Buy an Apple computer. If you cannot, a first generation Ipod will make up for it.
• TVs are for the unthinking masses. Proper indie scum don’t own one. If you must ever watch any sort of TV program (unless it is one that Ken Heffner personally approves of), make sure you constantly make disparaging comments throughout it about not just the show itself but also the people who watch it.
• NEVER go to or buy anything from a mall (even if the store is called “Little Bohemia”, only poers shop there)

Personal appearance/clothing:

• dreds or shaggy, oily and unwashed hair a must. Bonus points if you cut your hair yourself or have a close indie scum friend do it for you. (but you must be careful that it NEVER comes out looking like a scene-cut)
• Layer absolutely EVERYTHING. You must have at least 7 layers of clothing on your person at all times. Any nothing name-brand (bonus points if your entire outfit was once owned by several generations of your family (Ex. The cardigan was my grandma’s during the ’30s, my mom bought this sweater when she was 10, the tank underneath was my older cousin’s during the sixties…) or bought entirely at Goodwill).

• Backpacks are for the unenlightened masses. If you really must carry around earthly goods with you only an off-the shoulder bag is acceptable. It must be either old (see above), made by someone in a third-world country who was not working in a sweatshop for any corporation, and made out of natural materials. Bonus points if it has a picture of the earth on it with witty captions such as “Respect Your Mother” and “We only have one”.

Calvin College demographics pt. 1: Homeschool kids

Fact: Most of the students at Calvin College have been homeschooled in their lifetimes, including yours truly.

But this post isn’t devoted to those who were homeschooled at some vague point in the past and have moved on, nay, this is about those who make it a way of life. They are easily identifiable at 100 yards.

The females: long, pin straight (usually brown) hair. Skirt of an awkward half-calf length or ill-fitting jeans (pulled up to the waist with elastic and/or stopping above the ankle bone). Ill-fitting youth group t-shirts or blouses two sizes too large. All the above is generally true unless they have adopted the “little house on the prairie” or Amish look (found in more conservative circles, who are often found more predominately in places such as Cornerstone U. and the various, tiny Bible Colleges around Grand Rapids).

The males: Basic jean problem that the females have. T-shirts two sizes too large also featuring a youth group or a “clever” Christian catchphrase. Beanies. Often look like they lack the capability to wash themselves and their clothing sufficently. If they don’t wear t-shirts you will often find them in bulky wool sweaters and sweater-vests.

Warning: A misuse of denim and jumpers plagues this group! Also interesting name choices (usually from the Bible) such as: Shoshanna, Quinn, Zebulon, Jinger, and Jedidiah. Or they will come from a large family where all the kids share the same first letter of their name (see the Duggars)

A common stereotype which is absolutely true about the majority of the members in this group: They have a lack of friends (why would there be Facebook groups for the cool homeschool kids, who number only in the low hundred or so, who break this stereotype if it weren’t true?) and extreme social awkwardness. They are often able to rattle off insignificant facts about Des Moines, ancient Chinese pottery, Old Testament law, and the definition of “fustian” but its nearly impossible for them to ask you a simple question without including a lot of “um”s, “uh”s, the use of really big words (usually to assert their superiority) and misused slang.

Other students sometimes find themselves participating in this lifestyle as well, private or public schooled. Like my freshman year roommate who freaked out whenever a boy talked to her and thought that everyone always went to church on Sundays (I’m not sure if she was aware of different religious beliefs).