Monthly Archives: May 2008

Calvin Events to Attend: Cokes and Clubs

The key thing to remember about this event: There really is no coke ( Calvin is a Pepsi campus) and there is no cocaine either (we may be the liberal scum of the Christian College universe but we’ll never go there). “Cokes” and Clubs evidently sounds better than “Pepsi” and Clubs, or maybe Coke is considered cooler amongst the indie crowd-we will never know.

What to expect: Tables will form a horseshoe on Common’s Lawn and give you candy in order to entice you to join a club. By the end of the day you will have put yourself on 51 different mailing lists, on the first day of classes no less. And a lot of clubs you will have put yourself on the mailing list for because you felt bad taking the candy while ignoring the sale’s pitch of the earnest face behind the desk, and because it is implied that Jesus himself would join their club had he gone to Calvin College circa 2008 because he really cares about the environment, sociology, the Simpsons, hardcore music, etc, etc.

What to avoid: Bible Bonanza, me yelling at you to join the rugby team or whatever else I’m campaigning for that day, Chimes (they are so desperate it’s frightening) and those vegan indie scum.

How to fit in: If you are there w/out a pack of friends scurry around frantically, firmly believing that you will make no friends or be looked down upon if you do not join a club. If you are in a pack of people adopt the sheeple mentality (we are Christians, after all, and quite good at it) and only sign up for things the others sign up for. In either case you should hoard as much free Pepsi as you can.

One of the fine clubs you may find yourself joining


Adventures with Mr. Munchy: The Detroit Axemen

Figure 1 Motorcycle clubs are just about the coolest things ever. You dress up in all leather, be totally badass, grow your hair and belly as much as you want and do whatever you want whenever you want. The only thing that could possibly make motorcycle clubs any cooler is if the club were full of firefighters. Enter the Axemen.

We had intended to just return Gary’s truck and then go pick up stuff at Best Buy, but we ended up at the Axemen’s clubhouse (of which Gary is the president). An old mortuary has never looked so good (they even have the old mortuary tables in the back).

They haven’t been in there for very long but they have already cleaned up the rough neighborhood they are in and have made their clubhouse look spectacular.

Although their logo (fig. 1) is a little lacking compared to the club for the police (fig. 2). I think I’ll become a police officer, if only to join the motorcycle club, because their logo goes with my already existing tattoo so much better.figure 2

So Mr. Munchy and I ended up spending the evening with the Axemen. Which begged the question, how come so many of the women involved in motorcycling look so trashy? And wouldn’t long hair get in the way? And how the heck does the Munch man have so many random connections?

Further updates will come when we return to the clubhouse on thursday to take pictures.

Pictures of the clubhouse may be seen here:<a href=””&gt;.

Tupac is in Neon Horse! (part one)

It has recently come to my attention that Tupac Shakur is really alive somewhere. It has also come to my attention that Neon Horse is one of the greatest bands of all time (and quite addiction-worthy). How are these two related? Well, that’s easy enough if you use your brain.

I beg to differ with my fellow theorists that Tupac has been reincarnated as another rapper. Why would he go back to the same industry if he wanted to lay low? Anyone who believes that is just stupid. What could possibly be a better place to lay low in than Tooth and Nail records, who have lately been sucking hardcore ( with a few obvious exceptions)?

To start, let’s analyze a few lines from the lyrics of the first song on the record, “Cuckoo!” (which incidentally runs 2:25, and it’s just a coincidence that Tupac died at 25, right?)

“And you’re HOT HOT On my trail and you know that it’s NOT NOT Not my fault but you know that you GOTTA GOTTA Pin the Tail… ” Now, obviously, this means that everyone is hot on Tupac’s trail, since most of the world is aware that he faked his own death. And it’s not his fault that Diddy was the object of a hoax that stated that he killed Tupac. Tupac never meant for anyone to be credited with his “murder”.

In the rest of “Cuckoo!” there is a constant refrain of “all else failed!” Tupac just wanted to change the world, but the cops and everyone were always hating on him. So he had to go underground to get everyone off his back and to truly be able to change the system.

Here’s yet another telling lyric from “I know—I just don’t care”

'Cause I'm here to bleed.
Been down in the dungeons.
Been high on the plains.

So obvious there is no need for words—Tupac is coming clean about his adventures since being “murdered.”

More revelations to follow as I discover them…

[ but here’s a video to hold you all over until the next installment:]

Calvin College Demographics: The MRS degree seekers

Usually a phenomena found at private Christian colleges and Bible colleges, a quick Google search has shown that this lifestyle is also catching on at more prestigious universities, such as Harvard. But don’t dare call these individuals lazy! Oh no, they have worked hard to get into this small, liberal arts college and have no qualms about draining their daddy’s bank account paying upwards of $40,000 a year. They are rather young, conservative, Christian women who believe the Bible when it says that a woman’s only use is for her uterus and for wiping the kiddies’ noses.

But they know that this calling is infeasible with just any dude (especially if they want to maintain a certain standard of living), so they often will choose carefully an engineer, pre-med or pre-law major. Also opted for is a pastor/youth pastor, since they know that even if God won’t provide they will be looked up to by their churches, communities, and all the youth group girls.

So, without further ado, the three groupings which these women fall into:

Those after the sugar daddies:

  • After engineers or pre-med (pre-law to a lesser extent)
  • Will be on a constant hunt, but will only seriously start dating sophomore year.
  • Will marry after graduation, after he has already found a job (no dough, no marriage)
  • Will have the wedding all planned by second semester of freshman year
  • “What, me learn?” They will have learned absolutely nothing in all their semesters at Calvin, or they just don’t care about how retarded they look referencing Harry Potter in Philosophy of Gender.
  • See no problem paying over $40,000 a year just to get married and never use their degree again
  • Will question spouse-to-be concerning what sort of engineer or doctor they planned to be, genes, family history and family wealth (somebody has to buy the starter house in the gated community)
  • Can be found mostly in elementary education, nursing, interdisciplinary majors, religion, biology and psychology.

Those after Pastors and/or youth pastors:

  • Will come in dating their husband-to-be or will find them first semester
  • Will be married by junior year. By second year NT greek all the pre-seminary students will have a serious girlfriend or are already engaged.
  • Can often be found in the religion department, although they are not really sure what they are doing there…
  • If not in the religion department, they can also be found in the psychology department, learning how to help people (awwwwww…)

The desperate ones:

  • Will get married to anyone at anytime (even people from Cornerstone!). But they later will bitch about how they have to work, even though they married a sophomore philosophy major.
  • Will join the pastor-seekers in the most disadvantaged group ever.

Calvin College Demographics: Classics Majors

A small sub-set, yes; but chances are that you have taken a classics course for core. [Note for the “special” among us, this refers to the classics as in Greek, Latin, the Parthenon and Jupiter]. You may have had a few students in your class with you that you waaaaay too into the subject matter, used funny sounding words during discussions that only they and the prof understood, and showed you up in every class discussion-they were probably classics majors.

They tend to get excited about Greek and Latin, can give you the entire family tree of Theseus at the drop of a hat, recite Agamemnon’s death scene in Aeschylus’ Agamemnon (in either English or Greek) and joke around about reviving the Dionysian mysteries. They also pronounce Hercules as Herakles for no god-damned reason (ok, so there is a reason behind it other than it makes them look smarter, but still, wtf?)

At Calvin, you will find this rare and elusive breed hanging out in the Classics department. Who doesn’t want to hang out with the Classics profs and listen to Stephen Mellis’ stories all day? They are also found in the tiny conference room waaaaaay down the classics/philosophy hallway b/c all the Classics courses which are not offered as a part of core tend to be on the small side (2-8 people).

Why be a Classics major?

  • so that your virtue may increase
  • you get to see Williams, Winkle, Bratt, Kim and Noe every day, ’nuff said
  • K. Bratt says its cool. If Bratt says it, I believe it, that settles it.
  • Its definitely a conversation starter, everyone knows several engineers, nurses, elementary ed, and art majors…but since there are so few Classics majors chances are you’ll be the first one your friends know, instant coolness!
  • You will come off as an expert in ancient culture, no one will dare argue with you
  • You get to hang out with your favorite Dinosaur! (which is me, by the way)

What can I do with it?

  • Be a Professor (this is the road most traveled)
  • Trophy Spouse (second most commonly chosen path)
  • Benevolent dictator of the world (least taken path)
  • Be that one tour guide that lies to stupid Americans. They will believe anything you tell them. Srsly. (“Welcome to Pompeii, hometown of the Apostle Paul!”)

A warning though, they don’t interact in modern society well, unable to discuss modern literature, philosophy, and technology. They pay less for books than you do though, so be jealous.

Update on “How To be Indie Scum”

I hear from a very reliable source that some indie scum are all about studying in Hungary now. This reliable source is scared of being associated with them next semester. How to aleviate this? Try not going to Hungary, for starters (come to Egypt with your favorite dinosaur! Or to Australia with everyone’s favorite roommate from E2!). Stay away from Honduras too, the “unique” indie scum and social justice people (more on them later) are there.

How To Have Your Very Own Worship Song Performed

I was going to hold off on this one until I had written a how-to about how to write your very own worship song, But anyone with even a minimal and passing knowledge of modern Christian music knows how easy that is (but maybe I still will one day when I feel like stating the obvious).

So below is how to have your very own worship song performed live.

The Instruments:

  • Have a lot of guitars onstage, because the kids really dig them. Three is a really good number. But always have more acoustic guitars onstage, and never more than one electric one. Why? Because more electric guitars says, “we’re a rock band” and as Darlene Zschech and Sonic Flood know, it’s all about Jesus and not the money, fame or headlining tours. To ensure that your electric guitarist is under no rock-star aspirations make sure he gets really into the act of worship- while keeping him well off to the side. NEVER allow him to sing.
  • Have one of your acoustic guitarists to sing, it lends a folksy, sitting-around-the-campfire-with-the-youthgroup feel. Also, if the guitarist happens to be male, it will help meet your male-female worship leaders quota.
  • The bassist might be a sandal wearing hippie, make him stay in the back.
  • Pianos are an absolute essential. They lend a traditional feel to the worship which is balanced by the drumset.
  • Keyboards are totally in this year. Have one in addition to the piano.

The Singers (aka. Worship leaders):

  • Have more than three but less than seven, five is typically a good number.
  • Unless its an all-male ensemble have more female singers than males. Three-two is a really good ratio.
  • These female singer should be somewhat cute, but not beautiful. When in doubt, choose the plain looking ones dressed in neutral colors (one may dress in a pink skirt but that’s the limit). Their outfits should be on the boring and frumpy side too. You wouldn’t want them to distract the male worshippers.

But MOST importantly…

…Make sure that none of your band members are very talented. Extreme talent would distract the worshippers from worshipping. They would be listening to the beautiful and pleasing sounds instead of belting out your tune. Also, not having talent up on stage will make the worshippers feel more comfortable about their own talent.