Category Archives: How to do stuff

Kaydon the Dinosaur Writes a YA novel

This past November I was kinda bummed that I couldn’t participate in National Novel Writing Month because getting things done for America takes a lot of effort (which Republicans will never appreciate). So, to further help keep me from going insane here in the snowy wastelands of Minnesota I am going to work on the novel that I would have this November.

Its based loosely on the conversations that happened whilst I and three friends/fellow Corps members were working in the woods of the Sacred Hearts Seminary and Retreat Center in Massachusetts and for right now I am keeping all the names and stuff. I’ll change them later if I keep on with the project.

Title:

Vampire Hunters of the Sacred Heart

Basic Plot:

Four Americorps members are left behind at Sacred Hearts Retreat Center. Unable to reach their respective teams they keep busy doing odd jobs around the Retreat center and start noticing weird going-ons in the woods. One day, after waking up late they collectively realize that they cannot remember the night before and at first chalk it up to a wild party they must have held at the beach house. In the following weeks they come to find out that they each have a new-found superpower. As the weird going-ons in the woods becomes a vampire threat, Father Harvery enlists them to save the Center.

Cast:

-Father Harvey: Groundskeeper of the center. Rumor has it that he is a former disgraced exorcist. He enjoys the privacy the vaults in the basement allow him.

-Father Stan: Leader of the Center.

-Sister Helen: Nun of the Center.

-Kate: Pyromania. Small, cute and ferocious.

-Steve: Atheist and science lover. Working towards clinical immortality.

-Tommy: Former Madison, Wisc. Alderman and lover of politics. Nickname: “Gingerballs”.

-Deb: Thoughtful Vegan.

 

 


How to not be invited to Bible Study

Last entry I eluded to how much of a bastard I am and I have proof of this.

Every dorm on campus has a community bathroom, which you use for number 2 (so you don’t stink up your whole suite) and if you need to use a bathtub, which has something called the CJ log. Clever, no? In this log the floor can discuss stuff or just shoot the breeze and its all anonymous (except my handwriting is very unique). Usually the log on my floor went something like this:

-Why are boys so dumb?

-I don’t know. lol

-Now guys, God made them special

-yeah, “special”

-I hate the rain!

-Yeah!

-All nighters suck

So, its usually just inane drivel, but people still comment on it anyway. But every once in awhile the girls would actually manage to comment on something of interest…which I usually ended up killing, example:

me: so have you all heard about how they are publishing the gospel of Judas

[some comments, some inane and off-topic, some thoughtful. Most implying that Judas was a bad dude]

me: The treatment of Judas has always bothered me. I mean, Christianity needed him more than it needed even Paul. I’m sure he must have gotten some sort of kickback from God or something.

…and I was the thread killer that day.

Generally, I am the single worst person to have in a discussion surrounding the Bible anyway, because I know Greek and you best be sure that I will make sure you know it. I also don’t take shit like using the Old Testament against stuff like Gay marriage but then wearing mixed fabrics and mixing meat and dairy lightly. In short, you better know you stuff, because if you don’t I will thrash you without mercy. I think of it as my public service to Christianity at large but it makes me a super huge bastard.

One fine afternoon the discussion in the CJ log turned to the topic of lust. One girl on the floor whose writing was also distinctive wrote a long sermonette about how you cannot have attraction without lust and hence we are all sinners if we are in romantic relationships (can you guess she had never had a relationship ever?) and quoted the verse where Jesus states that anyone who had even looked at a woman with lust had committed adultery.

I seized on that. I wrote a lengthy rebuttal where I destroyed her argument based on the word lust. You see, in the verse she quoted the Greek word translated as “lust” has the implication of a “movement toward” the intended. So, only if you were to make plans to hook up with the person in question would that verse really apply, not just your run of the mill “Dang, his muscles are nice” thought.It was a great pity, as that girl at that time was applying to be the spiritual leader of the dorm.

Nobody else for the rest of the year would discuss anything Biblical with me and nobody invited me to a Bible stidy all year. And the CJ log returned to inane drivel for the rest of the semester. A little Greek and Textual Criticism goes a long way if your purpose is to destroy the weak pet doctrines of others.

In short, I am a bastard.

Is it just me, or does Adam never seem to be looking Eve in the eye?

Is it just me, or does Adam never seem to be looking Eve in the eye?

How to become a typical Calvie on the move

I have a blog where i will, any day now, start gushing about how traveling aboard has changed my perspective on the world/god’s creation/the fall/redemption/the poor/the least of these/discernment/every other Calvin buzzword or overly-hyped feeling ever.

you can find it  both here:

http://kaydoninyork.wordpress.com/

and on my blogroll. It has lots of pretty pictures.

How to become an epic RA: Phil

While I’m on the topic of RAs, I should say that not all RAs get burned out after a year and sent out to pasture at the apartments. In fact, a select few continue on being RAs in the dorms for two years and in one particularly rare case, three years. Behold the story of Phil, epic and RA enthusiast!

Phil was a mainstay in my dorm when I lived there. He had become an RA his sophomore year, not because of any shortage of qualified applicants (that never happens) but because he was deemed mature enough b/c of several trying events he had gone through freshman year. He got in and never left.

You’d think eventually one might want to leave the cramped conditions of the dorms…but epic RAs are not natural humans, for they never had the normal urge to strike out on their own and to do awesome things like host parties in their house/apartment/duplex, not have to share your kitchen with 30-40 other dudes or to just head out to the bar w/ friends and not have to worry about campus safety.

But no, these peculiar souls are content to host Halo tourtaments and be the object of adoration among the freshman girls in the three sister halls of the dorms. Life just wouldn’t be the same without them.

Old People: A Story of an Usher

My least favorite ushering role is packing people in rows during general admission show. People just don’t like sitting next to strangers.

I was helping a lady find her seat. I guess the Blind Boys of Alabama spit or something because nobody wanted to sit in the front row, but those were some of the few empty seats in the FAC.

“So I can sit here.” She asked, pointed at the open front row seats. I replied in the affirmative.

“Or I could go sit up in those red chairs.” Her eyes were gleaming at the though of sitting in the red Mezz chairs, I could tell.

“Ma’am, those are only for our extremely elderly or handicapped guests.”

“Well I am disabled. My arm, I left my cast in the car but I swear I need it and disabled,” she then pulled up her sleeve to show me a perfectly normal wrist and sped up the stairs toward the red chairs before I could say a word.

Then I had to ask a party of four old people to move one chair down bc there was an open chair in the middle of the row. So I asked the old man sitting closest to the empty seat. He passed this information down to the other three, and apparently the other three were dumb and he had to explain it several times.

“Why,” asked the ancient looking woman next to him, “can’t a person coming in late just sit in that seat?”

So I patiently explained to her that with the lights darkened climbing over people is not only inconvienent for everyone but also dangerous.

“You lady,” said the first old man, “there is a member of our party who has terminal cancer. So much so that we are not even sure she is going to make it through the performance, so we will stay in our seats.”

To any person younger than 73 I would have shouted, “Do not pull that bullshit on me!” Followed by some choice cuss words. But a)even though it was my second-to-last event working as an usher I still did not want to get lectured by Michael or April and b) yelling at old people is considered a no-no.

I cannot wait until I am old, I will be able to get away with whatever I want. And you can be damn sure that I will get away with a lot.

How to nearly lose your life at an Anberlin Show

Each year Calvin brings at least one popular Christian act to the FAC, just so the SAO  can claim that they bring diverse concerts and to attract those at Calvin who listen solely to Christian music (much to the chagrine of their dorm’s CDs).  So tonight was the Anberlin show.

I was explaining this to someone at my door who was questioninh why Calvin, indie epicenter of West Michigan, was hosting Anberlin. Except I made the mistake of mentioning CCM. If you value your life you must never, ever tell a fan of Christian rock (even if its the extremely bland, generic stuff) that they listen to CCM. This hurts their street cred, because then everyone around them will think that they are fans of Amy Grant and Todd Agnew,  so they will lash out in order to prove to others around them that they really are cool.

I got lectured by an Anberlin fan standing near that Anberlin wasn’t CCM because he only listened to Christian alternative and Christian metal bands that nobody has ever heard of, like Spoken. Yes, Spoken is so metal. Which brings up another important part of the Christian rocker identity, they listen to bands you have never heard of or they were fans of the flavor of the week Christian rock band looooooong before anyone else had ever heard of them. They are like lower level indie scum that way.

I, unimpressed by the collection of bands nobody had ever heard of that he was fans of (mostly because I had heard of all of them and had been a fan waaaaaaay back in the day), declared that they were under the wider CCM umbrella and shered him through the door. He looked like he wanted to kill me.

And then some people, according to the very concerned looking Campus Safety officer, almost died crowd surfing and a friend lost her shoe in the mosh (if anyone has an extra shoe, would you mind bringing it to the lost and found?).

According to a t-shirt I saw all night, these guys throw axes, not grenades

According to a t-shirt I saw all night, these guys throw axes, not grenades

How to get a catchy, yet bad song written about you

Word of advice for you younger and more naive kids out there. Don’t date the lead singer in a “metal” band. You will just break up and then he will write a song about you that is only released in Europe.  It will also incorporate a rhyme scheme that elementary school poets will think is quite clever (but no one else). But it will be extremely catchy and I will sing it for days.

But fear not, they will break up shortly and then it will surface on their myspace page.

So the next time you see the E2 RA, you have my explicit permission to belt out the following:

“Hold me hold me clooooooose,
I can’t be mended!
Even even nooooow,
I can’t be mended!

Now that I’m freeeeeeee
The world can truly seee
That I can never be
Your lover!

Now that I’m freeeeeee
everyone will seeee
that I can never be
Your lover!

[insert some screaming of key phrases in the chorus here]”

Now that’s what I call metal!dog-tags