Remember the motto, “Ring by Spring or your money back?” Yeah, it’s that time of year when dudes start proposing, because their girlfriend and her parents and his own will murder him savagely if he doesn’t. I mean, we are talking about Calvinists here, who are second only to the Catholics when it comes to the number of ways used to humiliate, torture and kill people (who’s glad your not going to Notre Dame? Can I get a “Ya!”?)
It is a rule that a certain quota of guys leaving Calvin must be married or have been engaged for at least three months by the time they leave Calvin. They count the number of guys because a) there are fewer guys at Calvin as opposed to girls and b) there are fewer MRS degreers out their in the populace and c) most Calvin guys are second or third generation knights with an MRS degreer for a mom who will make damn sure he marries someone like herself (yay, tradition!).
The quota is at 90%. How it breaks down:
- all the engineers are taken (er, there could be a few civils left, the ones who played ultimate frisbee more than went on floor dates)
- all the religion majors and guys who will be going on to seminary (to have a pastor who is not married just causes to much drama for most churches to even consider it)
- Classics majors make excellent trophy husbands and will compose poetry in Latin for their beloved
- Psych majors are hit and miss…most are just too weird (even for Calvin) to find mates, although most of the females will be taken
- Computer/IT-ish dudes: 50%
- Business majors: 95%
- English + languages: 75%
- International relations and other related fields: 80% (especially if they want to do Missions or bring clean-water technology to the poor, that is uber sexy)
And that is but a small sampling.
Most of the people who get engaged at Calvin College get engaged over break. You go to both parents’ house/or one, and you don’t even have to worry about finding that perfect gift, because all Calvin girls like clear, sparkly, uber-hard rocks! It works out perfectly for all involved.
This is why I avoid facebook over Christmas break, the number of people going from “in a relationship” to “Engaged” on my news feed makes my eyes hurt.
January is also the perfect time to set the date and begin planning as well. Chances are you and your beloved are only in class 1-3 hours a day anyhow and have lots of freetime (Interim serves us well).
Junior/Senior girls have also been known to panic during Interim if their boy hasn’t proposed to them yet. Especially if they are in a class surrounded by freshman or sophomore girls sporting a rock.
So, if you are dating a girl at Calvin, do yourself and everyone else a favor and JUST BLOODY PROPOSE OVER BREAK…I DO NOT WANT TO BE FORCED TO LISTEN TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND BITCHING THIS INTERIM, OK?
Why some people decide that finals week is an optimal time to flirt or begin a relationship is beyond me, I just consider it a poor evolutionary strategy. Everyone is already stressed to the max without wondering if they smell/look good or whether their future offspring with this person will go to Grand Rapids or Holland Christian High School. But how do you flirt with somebody during this time if you are keen on being an evolutionary dead-end (at this time anyway)? Well, if you already awkward to the max you are half -way there, as nobody who is unawkward has ever met somebody at Calvin College, ever.
- go with the “Study Break” method. Invite your intended over for a “study party”, and three hours in suggest going to get coffee or to a movie.
- Have a movie night to help your floor, bio class or anybody but your room/house/apartment mates relax. Show cute Christmas movies (think Elf) in order to showcase what a wholesome character you are.
- Bring a group with you to coffee if you are too scared to go solo with your intended. Then you can all start awkwardly flirting with your UNlearn and Calvin College hoodies on. Then the coffee drinking public of Grand Rapids will truly understand what I and the RA have to witness everyday.
- Go to ITC, find an open computer next to a cute, single guy (you will know he’s single if he is sitting all alone and with a CUPPS mug instead of a cup from Starbucks or Bigby’s, since no Calvin people will go there alone and dudes will not go there unless there is a female in the group they are going with) and casually strike up a conversation. Try talking about “the reason for the season” (note: this is NOT Mithras).
- Giggle a lot. But only if you are female. If you are a dude, sit there with a slightly uncomfortable looking grin and either stare intently into her eyes like an axe murderer or stare at her shoes
But, you may ask, I have already found the perfect mate that God created for me…how do I keep the love alive during this week?
- look at your ID card. Do you have a meal plan? If you do, good. Skip breakfast and use your meal equivalency that evening to surprise your bf/gf in the ITC with a bagel. Draw two chairs up close (facing each other) and share it in the most sickly-sweet manner you can think of.
- Work at computers right next to each other in a public spot. The couple that writes papers on the book of Mark together stays together (or perhaps Luke, since he wrote about the “reason for the season” that isn’t Mithras).
- Make plans to spend the short break together, it’ll give you something to look forward to and to sigh about. In fact, plan on getting engaged during break (8 out of 10 couples at Calvin get engaged over Christmas break, because Calvinists have no originality).
- Make snow angels.
You can thank me once you are engaged and have decided whether your future progeny are spending their high school years at Grand Rapids or Holland Christian.
Coincidence? No, it is called Providence
Christian cussing is the most irritating thing in the world. First off, words like “flipping”, “cracker”, “Gorsh”, and “Frackin'” just sound uber ridiculous flung out of the mouth of a person who is red in the face and with tears of hate/extreme love/ frustration flowing down their face. Secondly and thirdly, we are taught that there is a time and a place for everything and you don’t have to worry about your testimony towards “the world” when you are surrounding by other Christians.
There is one phrase that is particularly odious in my mind- “Oh My Stars!”
Seriously?Are we in the contest for “colloquialism most likely to give you diabetes” award? If so, I believe the southern phrase “bless your heart” has already won, and has promptly been turned into a subtle diss against unsuspecting Yankees.
This was my entire floor’s favorite phrase whenever things went south. I began to hate this phrase with the same amount of passion that I eventually grew to hate the words CFR, NOOMA, Discernment and Engagement.
So if you ever feel like cussing like a Dutch girl who attends Calvin you need only know one phrase…but I swear to my stars that if you utter it around me I will gut you like a fish!
Exams are this week, so don’t expect much in the way of quality material from me for awhile (also, last week was the most stressful week of my life). But I promise come Christmas break and Interim I will return with a vengeance!
Our main character is now engaged. It seems that she felt that her bf wasn’t taking the realtionship seriously enough, so she broke it off. But having every single class with her was taking it’s toll, so he bought a ring.
Now she doesn’t have to transfer. Aw, lab partners for life!
Ok, so I have this question asked of me alot, “What made you go to Calvin?” This has been phrased cutely by the Grandfather of the boy-who-makes-me-food (“what’s a cute little Irish girl like you doing at Calvin?”) and stupidly by my reatardedly lab partner (Then why do you even go here?!” in response to my stating that I do not like the cold b/c of my Ray Nauds, which I didn’t find out about until sophomore year).
And, in short, I have no damn clue.
The E2 RA and I discussed this last year and neither of us have a clue at all. We are like those rednecks who have been abducted by aliens, there is some serious periods of missing time in my senior year of high school and her freshman year at another university. One moment we were happy go lucky kids at secular institutions who, upon suddenly seeing a bright light, find ourselves with many of our earthly possessions on the road hundreds of miles from where we remember being last.
But I have a theory, which like all other answers to questions of fate at Calvin College, involves predestination.
God put man in the garden, in part, to delight in his creation. But while man has been running around naming stuff and having fun with things like chemistry ever since, one creature has been in perpetuall confusion and has been running around with an expression that says “WTF?” Those creatures are llamas.
God created Calvin College and it was good and filled with smiling dutch people with their “covenant children”, DTRs, MRS degree-seekers, two halls named after the DeVoses and indie scum (among a myriad of other equally bizarre things). And the dutch delighted in Calvin and were very happy. But God saw that there was no one to exclaim, “Holy $%*&! What is this madness?” So God created some llamas to be confused perpetually (well, at least for four years).
Behold, Kaydonthedinosaur’s vocation and calling!
I have figured out who uttered the statement that “Biology is the least Biblical major” on the commons lawn a month ago. I heard the same voice today in the hall uttering a shockingly similar statement, and it turns out she is in my Biology class.
I didn’t put it together before because she is the type of freshman who is just really excited to be at college. “Omg, I am living away from home? Isn’t that fantastic?” sort of person who feels like narrating the drama on her floor to a room full of upperclassmen who could care less why your roommate watches Sex and the City until 2 in the morning and how the floor date last night went. She also stalks a guy in that class too (he’s cute though, so she at least has good taste).
And as it turns out, I discovered that she is a creationist…which could explain the comment on the lawn.
Which brings me to part three of How To Teach Science at a Christian College/University
Save the chapters on evolution until the last few weeks. This will save you many a headache. But make it so that it is the only thing covered on the final. Devious!