Stuff to look forward to in Anno Domino 2009

I’m usually behind the times a bit. And when I say “behind the times” I mean I live my life 8 days late. So I put together a list of resolutions for the next year and since I am normally highly unorganized and lazy I though it would help if I listed them by the months I will do them in.


learn what foot goes where in the fourth position in Ballet

-get book deal for what will be a hugely sucessful book (available at your nearest Reformed College bookstore!) “Stuff Calvinists Like”

-start a blog where I can wax long and eloquently about how studying abroad in York changed my life, outlook on the world, vision for my vocation, how I view God’s mercy and yadda yadda ya.

-Figure out how airports work. Cause I really, really want to go to Britain and not get left behind at the airport.


realize that actually having to research Calvinism in order to find out what followers of that religious philosophy like is boring. Begin writing a book entiteled “Stuff Charismatics Like”

-start faking speaking in tongues again (I was once quite the expert in it. I felt bad about it, but I really wanted to go to Taco Bell after the service and those marathon prayer sessions for me to “catch the spirit” or whatever dragged on far too long)

-Find a happy-clappy, prosperity gospel, charismatic church in York to attend to learn the latest lingo


-“Stuff Charismatics Like” falls through, because I sleep in more often than I research

-Turn to alcohol to fill the void in my soul that Greek left (no Greek next semester, cause I guess York St. John is too cool for dead languages)


Atempt to sober up before realizing that drinking helps my ability to decipher Revelations

-Decide that my vocation is end times prophecy (y’all should have seen this one coming when I used the phrase “Left behind” in January)

-Read Revelations (and maybe Daniel, if I get to it) and bookmark


-graduate but not attend graduation b/c I am in York starting my end times ministry

-read Daniel (if I didn’t get to it last month)


wrap up my semester in York blog by talking about how uber-terrific-fantastic it all was

-reunite with the RA and make her vice-profit prophet


appear on Jack Van Impe and 700 Club, collect much profit and pay down college loans

-buy a crap-ton of fireworks at the Indiana border to celebrate the fourth with


get caught with male prostitute…blame it on the alcohol which in turn was caused by my puppy dying when I was four

-go into exile on an exotic island…can we pretend Detroit is an exotic island?


-celebrate being 23

-visit some grad schools


-Write my autobiography where I get all apologetic and melodramatic

-sell the rights to my autobiography to ABC so they can start filming the made for television movie about it

-get Vin Diesel to play the-boy-who-makes-me-food in the movie


-presuade Five Iron Frenzy to do a reunion tour…also persuade Reese that astromaut emo songs are not where it’s at

-start applying to grad schools


-Finally get a pony for Christmas

-learn how to play ultimate frisbee

This is why I am going to York (image stolen from a prophecy website...I swear I am much better in photoshop)

This is why I am going to York (image stolen from a prophecy website...I swear I am much better in photoshop)


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