The start of Saturnalia is only 18 days away, how will you celebrate? I’m pretty sure my last final is on that day, so rest assured I will be happily celebrating.
Also, Mithras is the reason for the season.
And you can cause quite an incident at Calvin by writing stuff about Saturnalia and Mithras underneath white boards which have Christmas countdowns on them.
I am the best damn cultural discerner Calvin has ever seen. I can make Uncyclopedia look like the Bible, Rob Zombie like John the Baptist, obscenities into blessings, “The God Delusion” into a redemption song and Flannery O’Connor look like…well, shoot I guess she already wrote from a Christian perspective… I’m such a great discerner that I’m not quite welcome in the meetings anymore, I make them look bad (and nobody likes the token hardcore kid to be pointing out how bad indie music really is).
This week I finally got around to listening to a fantastic college radio show out of Albion College, Wrathgar The Warlord’s Coffee Hour. Now a disclaimer, Wrathgar is a good friend but I’m pretty sure I’d pan him if it were bad (Dinosaurs trump warlords any day of the week).
Entertaining guests, good vocal work and fantastic music selections with real-time listener feedback wanted and requested. Work of warning: listening to it on laptop speakers is less than optional (especially if the convos with the guests get heated).
And did I mention that this week’s show was all about Creation, Fall and Redemption? Christ would have loved it.
Check it out at every Monday at 10 pm.
So i was perusing Facebook, ignoring the 30+ lines of Homer that I still have to translate and the 2 pages of Bio reading for tomorrow, and I noticed that I have a ton of friends/acquaintances that have joined various groups that start with the phrase “Christians Against…”. There are currently 800 groups on Facebook that have such a phrase in their titles and because I am currently avoiding all that I have to do I compiled a list of the most hilarious. And yes, I am aware that a good deal of these are jokes (and I’m hoping that most are).
- Christians Against Quiche
- Christians Against Cancer (duh, isn’t everyone?)
- Christians Against Christians Against Quiche that do actually like it
- Christians against rich tea biscuits
- Christians against worldly tolerance (it was a closed group, so I never found out what “worldly tolerance” entails…I hope it is a metal band!)
- Christians against Christian music
- Christians against Flying Spaghetti Monster Cult
- Christians against Kum By Ah and rainbow guitar straps!
- Christians against boycotting (I propose we boycott the boycotters!)
- Christians against the addiction the mediocrity
- Christians against the stripping of harmony in hymns
- Christians against side hugs
- Christians against idiots
- Christians against “Christian” bumper stickers
- Christians against coffee
- Christians against “Christians” who go out and drink! You know who you are (Kaydon looks at the boy-who-makes-her-food)
- Christians against all things
- Christians against Saw V (I too am against really long franchises…but that’s not what they mean)
- Christians against evolution in all areas
- Christians against condensed soup
- Christians against compare people
- Christians against “Christians against the Golden Compass”
- Christians against History Class
- Christians against vegetables
- Christians against Christmas
- Christians against the song “Santa Baby”
- Christians against women’s suffrage
- Christians against politics
- Christians against Jews
- Christians against 1 Timothy 2:12
- Christians against government
- Christians against the Ernest movies
- Christians against Jesus
- Christians against bad advertisements
Ok. so I got to page 30…
But-but how will the pope, Joel Osteen or Kenneth Copeland affored their private jets then?
Word of advice for you younger and more naive kids out there. Don’t date the lead singer in a “metal” band. You will just break up and then he will write a song about you that is only released in Europe. It will also incorporate a rhyme scheme that elementary school poets will think is quite clever (but no one else). But it will be extremely catchy and I will sing it for days.
But fear not, they will break up shortly and then it will surface on their myspace page.
So the next time you see the E2 RA, you have my explicit permission to belt out the following:
“Hold me hold me clooooooose,
I can’t be mended!
Even even nooooow,
I can’t be mended!
Now that I’m freeeeeeee
The world can truly seee
That I can never be
Now that I’m freeeeeee
everyone will seeee
that I can never be
[insert some screaming of key phrases in the chorus here]”
Now that’s what I call metal!
We all know that God hates those at Hope College because the aren’t really Reformed like us at Calvin. Need proof? They shut down their campus due to an outbreak of Norovirus, which is some sort of stomach flu. What more proof does one need?
But since there are those in the Calvin community that associate with the college that God hates, we might have this thing coming to our beloved by the Lord campus.
Forget the 15 e-mails you recieve each day from John Witte and the like, here’s how to really survive the Plague ’08:
- If anyone in any of your classes so much as coughs quickly reach into your bag and tear into one of the 15 bag of vitamin C drops your have purchased that day
- Let your Facebook status reflect your concern about the Plague with up-to-the-minute information. This will let you look informed (even if half of it is rumor) and it will let everyone else know that it is safe to hang out with you as you would never hang out with a sick person.
- Report your roommate…even if they just have something as minor as a cold or sprained ankle
- Refuse to go to the dining halls, linger after classes in the academic buildings, use the phone or drink anything other than gatorade. In fact, don’t even bother to come out of your room or open your mouth to talk to a roommate
- Freak out because you can’t afford to get sick. Stress always helps these sort of situations.
You can thank me later
Were you aware that Biology is the least Biblical degree, according to a random person on Commons this afternoon?
…Just food for thought for you science nerds.
None of these things are Biblical