Category Archives: Calvin College Demographics

Apparently I will feel rejected if I am not included in the Senior Scramble

Have I mentioned yet how fantastic it is that I am spending my last semester of Calvin off campus? This is because of something called the senior scramble, in which all seniors that have even a slight semblance  of a serious relationship get engaged in a hurry before graduation. This is because there are no CRC Christian people outside of Calvin college (if we ignore the Pella, Iowa area, all of Grand Rapids and all the other feeder areas/schools around the country). But the boy who makes me food is bravely enduring all the questions involving our relationship. I swear, questions are buzzing more around our relationship than anything else I have ever done in my life (which may mean I need to start pole dancing or swollowing swords). Why people are so concerned with my relationship status I shall never know, I never thought we were too terribly interesting as a couple (more fun than your typical high-stress Calvin relationship though).

The exchanges typically go something like this:

Typical Calvin person: I haven’t seen Katie in awhile…are you two still together?
Boy: Yes, but she is in the UK right now.
Calvie: Oh, ok, you engaged yet?
Boy: No
Calvie: Are you going to fly over?
Boy: No
Calvie: You have a ring, right?
Boy: No
Calvie: So she is not the one.
Boy: I never said that
Calvie: So you are getting a ring and going to propose right before graduation?
Boy: No
Calvie: Kinda a risk taker then?
Boy: What??
Calvie: What if she thinks you don’t want her?
[boy walks away]

Why I shall feel rejected if I do not recieve a shiny rock before graduation (which I won’t even be around for) is beyond me.

But if I were planning a wedding here is how it would go:

This, with the headpiece below, a veil and some gloves would guarentee that I would be like a white ninja at my wedding

This, with the headpiece below, a veil and some gloves would guarentee that I would be like a white ninja at my wedding

the headpiece

the headpiece

Oh, and did I mention that they make dresses with LED lights in them? I will work those into the entire ensemble.

Dear Bridesmaids, do you hate me yet?

Dear Bridesmaids, do you hate me yet?

Alernative dress idea

Alernative dress idea

And since every event needs a soundtrack, here is the list for the dinosaur/boy-who-makes-food wedding of doom (soundtrack also available as the table favor):

Crazy Daisy- Neon Horse
Its so cold in the D-Tbaby
Low-Flo Rida
I Still got you Ice Cream-Pissed Jeans
I can never be your lover-Still Remains (for the RA and myself)

This is why I can never have a proper wedding

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Britain is so…post something!

Alright, so a few weeks ago I posted on my other blog that I had not met one atheist in my three weeks in big, scary post-Christian England. That has now changed, I met one. But regardless of the lack of atheists it is still a fact that people over here are a far cry from your typical Calvin kid back in GR…like, way different.

This has been pointed out several times in devotionals before our Calvin classes here that there is no way of even knowing that the people we engage in conversation here at YSJ even come from a Christian background! *shock! horrors!* To be honest, I only listened to one devotional and it was like that, I am too busy staring out at the ever-overcast skies to take heed of religious posturing and talk about being the minority (have I mentioned there’s not even any bloody seperation of church and state over here? Minority my ass!).

Also, I don’t have to sit through a load of creation, fall, redemption, apologetics, or gross misunderstandings of other religions in the religion classes everyday! Holy cow, fancy that, learning about Pagan and New Age beliefs from guest lecturing Pagans and New Agers! I was telling one of my Calvin profs about my Paganism and New Age class during our excursion this weekend and she was amazed, and then proceeded to ask me if they were going to have a token Christian come in and talk about his/her religion…. whut?

Also, there is a bar on campus.

I love it here. And I’m sorry for not posting more often, right now I’m dealing with being fucked up the ass by incompetent old Calvin College, and the stress is killing me.

How to become an epic RA: Phil

While I’m on the topic of RAs, I should say that not all RAs get burned out after a year and sent out to pasture at the apartments. In fact, a select few continue on being RAs in the dorms for two years and in one particularly rare case, three years. Behold the story of Phil, epic and RA enthusiast!

Phil was a mainstay in my dorm when I lived there. He had become an RA his sophomore year, not because of any shortage of qualified applicants (that never happens) but because he was deemed mature enough b/c of several trying events he had gone through freshman year. He got in and never left.

You’d think eventually one might want to leave the cramped conditions of the dorms…but epic RAs are not natural humans, for they never had the normal urge to strike out on their own and to do awesome things like host parties in their house/apartment/duplex, not have to share your kitchen with 30-40 other dudes or to just head out to the bar w/ friends and not have to worry about campus safety.

But no, these peculiar souls are content to host Halo tourtaments and be the object of adoration among the freshman girls in the three sister halls of the dorms. Life just wouldn’t be the same without them.

The Knollcrest East Apartments: Where RAs go to Die

Being an RA in the dorms is a coveted position, unlike at a lot of other colleges/universities where the administration has to plead and bribe potential Resident Assistants, at Calvin the process of becoming an RA is a grueling 3 month long marathon of hundreds of interviews, essays and intense prayer sessions. As the number of candidates gets winnowed down from hundreds (literally!) many grow weary of being dragged through the process. The friends/floormates of the candidates especially get sick and tired of the process, as before the application period even began they had to sit through their friends debating whether or not they were called to the demanding life of an RA and now that the interviews and whatnot are underway they have to listen to their friends/floormates overanalyze every interview question and compare themselves to other people positioning themselves to become an RA.

Most of these candidates are gearing up for a full year of hard, rewarding service. It starts in the middle of the summer with activities, ice-breakers w/ fellow RAs and sessions of pointers. Then the day when the Barnabi move in they have to re-do all those ice-breaker games. Then, move-in day for the freshman and a week later the rest of the floor. Once the year starts, they have a full schedule of symbolicly leading their floor by doing God-only-knows-what and helping freshman figure out where The Cave Cafe is and what distinguishes it from the Fishhouse. They also must submit to patrolling the floors each night to catch those brazen underclassmen who would dare to play sports in the dorms or to invite a member of the opposite sex over at 4 am to watch “The Matrix” and to discipline those who are making others in the lobby sick with their PDA (that is, if the deskie doesn’t kill the couple first). And, after their official duties are over, the non-RA enthusiast who will not try to be an RA three straight years in a row, are retired to living in the KE apartments where they will continuously relive their glory days whenever a former floormate or other RA encounters them in the hall or in the library.

But there is one particular breed of RA that does none of those things and, in fact, does nothing at all. This is the RAs in the Knollcrest East Apartments. They start the year by organizing a mandatory apartment building meeting, during which they try really hard to achieve that perfect “laid back but still an authority figure” vibe and announce the plans they have for the year. These plans are then promptly thrown out the window as residents quickly learn that their RA (who probably got burned out being an RA in the dorms last year) is mostly doing this for the perks, notably the pay that makes living on campus close to free and the mealplan.

In fact, these RAs will go pretty far in order to escape the responsibilities of being an RA. This year they have gone so far as to organize an RA retreat the week that many students (everyone’s favourite dinosaur included) are leaving for semesters abroad, which is quite a few KE dwellers as most off campus semesters favor juniors and seniors. This means that these students are scrambling for the few precious hours this week that the RAs will not be on retreat, and many RAs haven’t even told their buildings nor have they posted sign-up sheets.

Occasionally though, if they are an RA in Theta-Epsilon where Cooke, the director of KE lives, they may catch of few drunks coming back in after a night of fun. But that’s about all they do.

The Official Sport of Interim

Each season has a sport at Calvin. Well, ok, all the other three season’s sports are jogging. Jogging like the world is running out of pavement.

But winter has a sport all its own that doesn’t involve running (well, ok, everyone at Calvin still jogs in the winter…if they aren’t indie scum wearing inappropriate seasonal clothing), Broomball.

What is broomball? The greatest college sport of all time that involves broken broom handles, a ball and some ice. And it is played exactly like hockey, except for the fierceness…the Dutch fail when it comes to being fierce (which is why there are few Dutch last names on the rugby roster, or few Dutch girls winning “America’s Next Top Model”).

It’s cheap and extremely awkward, which means it is a perfect sport for winter at Calvin. Additionally, during the dorm tourtaments you can meet lots of cute singles from other dorms simply by falling down and seeing who helps you up.

Kaydonthedinosaur should not breed

I was going to write about DCM but then I came across this:

And I found it hilarious.

I do not like children, but I did once help teach Sunday School for 4 and 5 year-olds because the toys were the shit.

Want to freak out Christian females (and many males)? Just mention that you hate children. This will bring forth all sorts of reactions from kind old ladies telling you that you will feel differently when you have your own (Which brings up the interesting question, “Why are you suggesting that those who hate children have them? Have you thought about the implications of that?!”), to people immediantly start a prayer group to pray that God fix whatever is wrong with you, to people thinking you are a lesbian and people (usually males) who will bitch you out because you have no other purpose in life than to pump out babies (happened to the RA during DCM).

And it really comes as no surprise. After all, have you ever met a single Christian over 40 who liked being single without kids? Neither have I. I’ve met a few who have resigned to their fate and keep a stiff upper lip, but the burning inferno of hormones never used dwells beneath the surface.

Usually people at Calvin start breeding no later than 2 years after graduation and many start while in school (as evidenced by a few Facebook friends and a book I found in the Fishhouse yesterday titled “Planning your Family”). Which makes sense as that gives each Calvin couple approximately one year of experiencing marriage before screaming “Bundles of joy” invade their world.

And, like everyone assumes that their is a summer wedding in your future if you and your Calvin gf/bf have been together for a year, everyone assumes that you can’t wait to have children who will attend Grand Rapids Christian, then Calvin while voting Republican for the rest of their lives.

So, for your reading pleasure I have drafted a list of the top reasons Kaydon the Dinosaur should not breed:

1. They look like aliens when they are born. Only when they are around the age of four can I admit that they are members of my species. But I will admit that only grugingly.

2. I would give them odd names. Like:

  • Names of other people’s gods. Prosepina, Vishnu, Zeus, Allah, Elohim, Dagon, Brigid, Prometheus and Marduk being a few I would choose in this catagory.
  • Names of mystery cult/savior figures. Dionysus/Bacchus, Osirus, Mithras, Octavian, Herakles and Yeshua being a few.
  • Names from Biblical Geography. Gath, Sardis, Smyrna, Chios (whoops, that’s Homeric Geography), Tob, Jezreel, Beshun,  Edom, Hebron, Beersheba, Tyre and Megiddo.
  • Names from Showdown songs. I already mentioned Gath, Splitter of Skulls Breaker of Backs (but I know that my future prodginy then would be the complete opposite of this. And not in an ironicly hilarious actor in a Broadway  production of Rent and he tells everyone their outfits are “Fabulous!” way either, but a kid who spends all his time in the basement playing WOW), Dagon Undone (The Reckoning), A Chorus of Obliteration, Disillusionaire, and Titanomachy.
  • Names from Greek mythology. Odysseus, Hephaestus,  Medea, Prosepina, Eurydice, Midas….I could go for hours about the badass names.
  • My lastest theme is after major cities in the South. Dallas, Memphis, Tallahassee, Birmingham, Atlanta, Orleans, Raleigh, and Nashville.

3. I would read them the Odyssey at night like some parents read the Bernstein Bears or sanitized Bible stories. And it would not be a saitized version of the Odyssey, I expect healthy conversations about the ethics of killing just about every young man on your island.

4. What part of “they look like aliens” do you not understand?

5. They lack the ability to communicate and I cannot stand that. If babies learned how to talk faster (like, within hours of emerging from the womb) I might like them more.

The Senior Scramble

Remember the motto, “Ring by Spring or your money back?” Yeah, it’s that time of year when dudes start proposing, because their girlfriend and her parents and his own will murder him savagely if he doesn’t. I mean, we are talking about Calvinists here, who are second only to the Catholics when it comes to the number of ways used to humiliate, torture and kill people (who’s glad your not going to Notre Dame? Can I get a “Ya!”?)

It is a rule that a certain quota of guys leaving Calvin must be married or have been engaged for at least three months by the time they leave Calvin. They count the number of guys because a) there are fewer guys at Calvin as opposed to girls and b) there are fewer MRS degreers out their in the populace and c) most Calvin guys are second or third generation knights with an MRS degreer for a mom who will make damn sure he marries someone like herself (yay, tradition!).

The quota is at 90%. How it breaks down:

  • all the engineers are taken (er, there could be a few civils left, the ones who played ultimate frisbee more than went on floor dates)
  • all the religion majors and guys who will be going on to seminary (to have a pastor who is not married just causes to much drama for most churches to even consider it)
  • Classics majors make excellent trophy husbands and will compose poetry in Latin for their beloved
  • Psych majors are hit and miss…most are just too weird (even for Calvin) to find mates, although most of the females will be taken
  • Computer/IT-ish dudes: 50%
  • Business majors: 95%
  • English + languages: 75%
  • International relations and other related fields: 80% (especially if they want to do Missions or bring clean-water technology to the poor, that is uber sexy)

And that is but a small sampling.

Most of the people who get engaged at Calvin College get engaged over break. You go to both parents’ house/or one, and you don’t even have to worry about finding that perfect gift, because all Calvin girls like clear, sparkly, uber-hard rocks! It works out perfectly for all involved.

This is why I avoid facebook over Christmas break, the number of people going from “in a relationship” to “Engaged” on my news feed makes my eyes hurt.

January is also the perfect time to set the date and begin planning as well. Chances are you and your beloved are only in class 1-3 hours a day anyhow and have lots of freetime (Interim serves us well).

Junior/Senior girls have also been known to panic during Interim if their boy hasn’t proposed to them yet. Especially if they are in a class surrounded by freshman or sophomore girls sporting a rock.

So, if you are dating a girl at Calvin, do yourself and everyone else a favor and JUST BLOODY PROPOSE OVER BREAK…I DO NOT WANT TO BE FORCED TO LISTEN TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND BITCHING THIS INTERIM, OK?