Kaydon writes a Christian Romance (part 1)

Between the boredom of not being able to go to the Gallery on St. John’s night because I would die walking there in the cold (The first time it majorly snows in 20+ years in York and I have to be here?!) and being in a trying godless enviroment in the UK (have you seen those atheist bus signs? The nerve of outspoken nonbelievers!), I have written the most spellbinding Christian Romance ever. After googling “Christian Romance” (which is the only research I have done for my foray into the Christian Romance publishing industry) I found a really hilarious article about the dangers of Christian Romance. Upon further perusing this website I discovered that these fine folks, in addition to not liking Christian Romance novels, favored a system of courtship wherein the female in the relationship has no idea the relationship is going on basically until the marriage because her parents have been meeting with the dude behind the scenes for many, many months. And then the parents are like, “Surprise! We think he is perfect for you. Would you like him?” And usually the female is so sheltered and doesn’t know any other dudes anyway and is so desperate for sexual contact marriage that she is like, “Omg, Yes!”.

These folks are clearly underserved in the Christian Romance novel department. But, unfortunately, you can only make the heroine in a novel, even a Christian romance novel, only so clueless. So, these people will continue to go underserved, but it’s really their own damn fault for being sooooooo creepy about things (if Frank Peretti ever writes a romance that has demons vying for the souls of the nearly Christian lovers then maybe…).

Anyways, here’s my brainstorming for the novel:

The Heroine: Must be plain. But underneath her plainness she must have a beautiful interior with a passion for Jesus. Always, always, always if you must have a main character who starts off as an unbeliever it must be the male (please see that movie where Mandy Moore is dying of cancer of something and this dude totally wants her in high school but she listens to Third Day or whatever while he is off headbanging to Korn and then he finds the church and they get married and then she dies).

Or, if she is very beautiful, she must have a flaw which is preventing her from finding Mr. Right. These can include distance from civilization (found mainly in historical romances or in Amish communities), pride, being too picky or falling for jerks (see every romantic comedy ever made).

For purposes of the Christian Romance novel, she doesn’t have a body. If you must allude to her body you must never go into detail but stick with generalities like thin or plump, even a word like curvy might be considered too racy.

Most importantly, she must be you. That’s right, feel free to make to embody all your good qualities or how you imagine yourself to be in your fantasies.

The Hero: You may describe him from the shoulders up, and by that I mean he has strong shoulders. The Hero, while he may be thin, is not allowed to the gangly, weak or body, or small. He is also not allowed to be disabled. His tragic flaw may be that he his unchurched, has had sex before, or his father never really loved him as a child.

The plot and goal: The goal of course is marriage. But how should they meet? I think Missions Trip love is something not satisfactorily explored by anyone other than they guy who writes “Stuff Christians Like” (and I am an expert in Short Term Missions Trips, so there you go).  So it our two future lovers will meet on a Missions Trip to Kenya (I know all about Kenya, for this annoying girl I am friends with on Facebook went there and was all like, “Zomg! I must advance God’s kingdom here by getting cornrows!”) where they will be drawn to the compassion displayed by each other as they work together in a Children’s Hospital caring for babies dying from AIDs. When they return to the states, they not only must deal with the uncomfortableness they feel about the materialistic and apithetic western world around them but they must deal with their own purity. True love waits…for marriage.

Title: True Loves Waits (alternative title: Unborn Babies’ True Love Waits in Africa)

Backcover blub: Michael Tait could never forget the first time he saw, really saw, Rachel VanderCamp. She was cradling a dying infant in her arms with a love that was radiating from her. He had never really considered her the woman for him, even though they had spent their entire youths attending Madison Square CRC with their families and later joined the young adults group at Mars Hill, that all changed those 2 weeks he spent with her in Kenya. Thir love blossoms on Safari, but once they get back to Grand Rapids, will the stresses and materialism of the modern world tear them apart…or bring them together in dangerous and unhealthy ways?

[it is a well know fact that the last line of the backcover blurb must end in a question]

The Hook (besides my phenomenal writing skills): In case you didn’t get it, it is an interracial romance.

The few few chapters coming soon…

Dear Michael Tait, please get back together with DC Talk and have my babies. Love, Kaydon

Dear Michael Tait, please get back together with DC Talk and have my babies. Love, Kaydon


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4 responses to “Kaydon writes a Christian Romance (part 1)

  1. Pingback: Snow « Just Another Innocent Abroad

  2. Boy who makes food

    Brilliant!

  3. Don’t forget about how the man wants to kiss the woman before marriage, and she says “No, (insert name here), we cannot because it is not approved of by God! God’s Love [capital L *IS* important] is more than enough for us.” If you need more help/tips, check out Francine Rivers’ wiki page.

  4. kaydonthedinosaur

    I did a post awhile back about Francine Rivers, and how she stole a piece of my lung (I actually read a portion of “Atonement Child”). If in the publishing world you happen upon her, tell her I need that piece of lung, dammit!

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