I was going to write about DCM but then I came across this:
And I found it hilarious.
I do not like children, but I did once help teach Sunday School for 4 and 5 year-olds because the toys were the shit.
Want to freak out Christian females (and many males)? Just mention that you hate children. This will bring forth all sorts of reactions from kind old ladies telling you that you will feel differently when you have your own (Which brings up the interesting question, “Why are you suggesting that those who hate children have them? Have you thought about the implications of that?!”), to people immediantly start a prayer group to pray that God fix whatever is wrong with you, to people thinking you are a lesbian and people (usually males) who will bitch you out because you have no other purpose in life than to pump out babies (happened to the RA during DCM).
And it really comes as no surprise. After all, have you ever met a single Christian over 40 who liked being single without kids? Neither have I. I’ve met a few who have resigned to their fate and keep a stiff upper lip, but the burning inferno of hormones never used dwells beneath the surface.
Usually people at Calvin start breeding no later than 2 years after graduation and many start while in school (as evidenced by a few Facebook friends and a book I found in the Fishhouse yesterday titled “Planning your Family”). Which makes sense as that gives each Calvin couple approximately one year of experiencing marriage before screaming “Bundles of joy” invade their world.
And, like everyone assumes that their is a summer wedding in your future if you and your Calvin gf/bf have been together for a year, everyone assumes that you can’t wait to have children who will attend Grand Rapids Christian, then Calvin while voting Republican for the rest of their lives.
So, for your reading pleasure I have drafted a list of the top reasons Kaydon the Dinosaur should not breed:
1. They look like aliens when they are born. Only when they are around the age of four can I admit that they are members of my species. But I will admit that only grugingly.
2. I would give them odd names. Like:
- Names of other people’s gods. Prosepina, Vishnu, Zeus, Allah, Elohim, Dagon, Brigid, Prometheus and Marduk being a few I would choose in this catagory.
- Names of mystery cult/savior figures. Dionysus/Bacchus, Osirus, Mithras, Octavian, Herakles and Yeshua being a few.
- Names from Biblical Geography. Gath, Sardis, Smyrna, Chios (whoops, that’s Homeric Geography), Tob, Jezreel, Beshun, Edom, Hebron, Beersheba, Tyre and Megiddo.
- Names from Showdown songs. I already mentioned Gath, Splitter of Skulls Breaker of Backs (but I know that my future prodginy then would be the complete opposite of this. And not in an ironicly hilarious actor in a Broadway production of Rent and he tells everyone their outfits are “Fabulous!” way either, but a kid who spends all his time in the basement playing WOW), Dagon Undone (The Reckoning), A Chorus of Obliteration, Disillusionaire, and Titanomachy.
- Names from Greek mythology. Odysseus, Hephaestus, Medea, Prosepina, Eurydice, Midas….I could go for hours about the badass names.
- My lastest theme is after major cities in the South. Dallas, Memphis, Tallahassee, Birmingham, Atlanta, Orleans, Raleigh, and Nashville.
3. I would read them the Odyssey at night like some parents read the Bernstein Bears or sanitized Bible stories. And it would not be a saitized version of the Odyssey, I expect healthy conversations about the ethics of killing just about every young man on your island.
4. What part of “they look like aliens” do you not understand?
5. They lack the ability to communicate and I cannot stand that. If babies learned how to talk faster (like, within hours of emerging from the womb) I might like them more.