The Senior Scramble

Remember the motto, “Ring by Spring or your money back?” Yeah, it’s that time of year when dudes start proposing, because their girlfriend and her parents and his own will murder him savagely if he doesn’t. I mean, we are talking about Calvinists here, who are second only to the Catholics when it comes to the number of ways used to humiliate, torture and kill people (who’s glad your not going to Notre Dame? Can I get a “Ya!”?)

It is a rule that a certain quota of guys leaving Calvin must be married or have been engaged for at least three months by the time they leave Calvin. They count the number of guys because a) there are fewer guys at Calvin as opposed to girls and b) there are fewer MRS degreers out their in the populace and c) most Calvin guys are second or third generation knights with an MRS degreer for a mom who will make damn sure he marries someone like herself (yay, tradition!).

The quota is at 90%. How it breaks down:

  • all the engineers are taken (er, there could be a few civils left, the ones who played ultimate frisbee more than went on floor dates)
  • all the religion majors and guys who will be going on to seminary (to have a pastor who is not married just causes to much drama for most churches to even consider it)
  • Classics majors make excellent trophy husbands and will compose poetry in Latin for their beloved
  • Psych majors are hit and miss…most are just too weird (even for Calvin) to find mates, although most of the females will be taken
  • Computer/IT-ish dudes: 50%
  • Business majors: 95%
  • English + languages: 75%
  • International relations and other related fields: 80% (especially if they want to do Missions or bring clean-water technology to the poor, that is uber sexy)

And that is but a small sampling.

Most of the people who get engaged at Calvin College get engaged over break. You go to both parents’ house/or one, and you don’t even have to worry about finding that perfect gift, because all Calvin girls like clear, sparkly, uber-hard rocks! It works out perfectly for all involved.

This is why I avoid facebook over Christmas break, the number of people going from “in a relationship” to “Engaged” on my news feed makes my eyes hurt.

January is also the perfect time to set the date and begin planning as well. Chances are you and your beloved are only in class 1-3 hours a day anyhow and have lots of freetime (Interim serves us well).

Junior/Senior girls have also been known to panic during Interim if their boy hasn’t proposed to them yet. Especially if they are in a class surrounded by freshman or sophomore girls sporting a rock.

So, if you are dating a girl at Calvin, do yourself and everyone else a favor and JUST BLOODY PROPOSE OVER BREAK…I DO NOT WANT TO BE FORCED TO LISTEN TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND BITCHING THIS INTERIM, OK?

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