How to Survive a Norovirus Plague

We all know that God hates those at Hope College because the aren’t really Reformed like us at Calvin. Need proof? They shut down their campus due to an outbreak of Norovirus, which is some sort of stomach flu. What more proof does one need?

But since there are those in the Calvin community that associate with the college that God hates, we might have this thing coming to our beloved by the Lord campus.

Forget the 15 e-mails you recieve each day from John Witte and the like, here’s how to really survive the Plague ’08:

  • If anyone in any of your classes so much as coughs quickly reach into your bag and tear into one of the 15  bag of vitamin C drops your have purchased that day
  • Let your Facebook status reflect your concern about the Plague with up-to-the-minute information. This will let you look informed (even if half of it is rumor) and it will let everyone else know that it is safe to hang out with you as you would never hang out with a sick person.
  • Report your roommate…even if they just have something as minor as a cold or sprained ankle
  • Refuse to go to the dining halls, linger after classes in the academic buildings, use the phone or drink anything other than gatorade. In fact, don’t even bother to come out of your room or open your mouth to talk to a roommate
  • Freak out because you can’t afford to get sick. Stress always helps these sort of situations.

You can thank me later


One response to “How to Survive a Norovirus Plague

  1. I haaaaaaaaaaaate people who say, “I can’t afford to be sick” nothing you do at Calvin College is that damn important. really now.

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