A Calvin Case Study: Babel Boy

There are many bizarre breeds of human walking around Calvin College’s campus, and today I shall present a particularly interesting case study I came upon a few years back, with some updates on his condition provided by Everyone’s Favorite E2 Roommate (hereafter known as E2’s RA).

Babel Boy: Man, Myth, Legend

Core Classes always involve a strange mix of characters, hippies, indie scum, YECs, Messianic Jews, dudes who believe that God speaks to them through the fat squirrels, the random Atheist, etc, etc. But every once in awhile one comes across a pure example of all that is wrong with the pop Christian world (and homeschooling and a dozen other things).

He was a freshman who appeared in my history class that I had to take for core. There were a plethora of other asinine characters in that class (I’m looking at you Disney Movie girl) but he took top prize for most irritating.

The first few days we discussed different creation myths from different cultures and such things like the Exodus. On the third day we discussed how we, as Christians, reconciled our own creation story with science. The- entity- soon- to- be- called- Babel- Boy asked the prof towards the end of class where he thought dinosaurs came from (Thought? Thought?). Our prof, being the exceedingly wise man he was who actually paid attention when he gave the definitions of history and prehistory the first day of class, ignored the question. But the future Babel Boy went on, “My little brother thinks they never existed and that God put them there to fool us.” He then went on to throw out some strawmen concerning evolution and trying to steer the discussion in that direction.

I added that I don’t take Genesis literally on the same way that I do not take the Epic of Gilgamesh literally (although I do enjoy the journeys of Gilgamesh and Enkidu a lot). Which lead to silence for a few seconds before people starting whispering things about me being a heathen or atheist (I was neither at the time) and scooting their desks farther away from mine. This also later led to a conversion attempt by the future Babel Boy (Christians trying to convert other Christians is a very curious practice).

Next day we had read a chapter in the textbook about the development of language, toolmaking, weaving, etc. Babel Boy states “The process of language development taking thousands of years just sounds much too impossible for me…” He then proceeds to tell us that he considers the story of the Tower of Babel to be much more conceivable (this is also where he gets his name).

The next day, walking to class and happily pondering what other hilarious scenes might take place that class, I hear a loud “HEY!” behind me and I turn to see Babel Boy barreling toward me. “Hi, how are you doing?” he asks once he catches up. [Think Hilary Faye in Saved! saying “Let’s show her how cool we Christians can be!”]
“Uh, good. You?”
“Oh, good, good. What’s your major?”
“Classics. You?”
[resisting my urge to gag] “Cool”

After my prof thought we were dating (leading me to try to find a sword to fall on) he never talked to me again. Probably because he found another, more exciting not-quite-literalist Christian to try to convert via friendship.

But now the E2 RA has informed me that he has appeared in several of her classes too. In this incarnation he is undecided as to his major (but randomly taking higher level psychology courses) and really wants to get married. I, being the benevolent dinosaur I am, has decided to help him out in this respect (as he surely will not find such a woman trying to be cool at 1237 parties). So if you are interested, please fill out this short questionnaire and myself or an associate will get back to you if we think you might be a match.

1. Are you “fearfully and wonderfully made”?

2. How does the above information apply to your life?

3. Where do dinosaurs come from?

4. Where does a younger sibling think dinosaurs came from?

5. At the Tower of Babel, did God spilt the language-speakers into such groups as Indo-European, Dravidian, etc or were modern languages such as English represented?

6. Information on where we may reach you.


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