Calvin College Demographics Pt 2: How to be Indie

Indie scum are a plague infiltrating the world. This is also one of Calvin College’s biggest demographics. Many come from families headed by an older generation of indie scum, some from yuppies and other come from religious families and they take great delight in confusing/pissing them off.

Simple lifestyle changes you can make in order to be an indie kid:

  • Ride a bike older than you are (or at least looks like it)
  • Listen to music which bears the name indie [don’t worry yourself with the fact that technically “indie” isn’t a genre]. This type of music really isn’t deeper or more insightful than regular, run-of-the-mill stuff (although you should pretend it is), just more incomprehensible and it will incorporate really bad instrumentation and awful vocals.
  • Be vegan. Anybody can be a vegetarian, but you are special. Act superior about it.
  • Go downtown. By “downtown” mean Easttown. The real downtown is gross. Ride your bike there.
  • Easttown= Cross Cultural Experience. Going there regularly and partaking in the plethora of cultural experiences there makes you feel better about going to an upper-middle class predominately white school. Double points if you live in Easttown and invite your minority neighbors to a vegan dinner.
  • Join Sankofa. Bring your drun everywhere with you (or at least the cool textile bag it came in). [Note: Sankofa is no longer an official club at Calvin, but buy a drum anyhow]
  • Go to Ghana. Have it change your life. Bring it up in every conversation you have (especially among other indies to further your cred)
  • Smoking is cool. Even if you do not smoke give the appearance thereof by hanging out in the smoking pits.
  • Ken Heffner is the man. Worship every band that he finds great and go to every concert he organizes.
  • Buy an Apple computer. If you cannot, a first generation Ipod will make up for it.
  • TVs are for the unthinking masses. Proper indie scum don’t own one. If you must ever watch any sort of TV program (unless it is one that Ken Heffner personally approves of), make sure you constantly make disparaging comments throughout it about not just the show itself but also the people who watch it.
  • NEVER go to or buy anything from a mall (even if the store is called “Little Bohemia”, only poers shop there)

Personal appearance/clothing:

  • dreds or shaggy, oily and unwashed hair a must. Bonus points if you cut your hair yourself or have a close indie scum friend do it for you. (but you must be careful that it NEVER comes out looking like a scene-cut)
  • Layer absolutely EVERYTHING. You must have at least 7 layers of clothing on your person at all times. Any nothing name-brand (bonus points if your entire outfit was once owned by several generations of your family (Ex. The cardigan was my grandma’s during the ’30s, my mom bought this sweater when she was 10, the tank underneath was my older cousin’s during the sixties…) or bought entirely at Goodwill).
  • Backpacks are for the unenlightened masses. If you really must carry around earthly goods with you only an off-the shoulder bag is acceptable. It must be either old (see above), made by someone in a third-world country who was not working in a sweatshop for any corporation, and made out of natural materials. Bonus points if it has a picture of the earth on it with witty captions such as “Respect Your Mother” and “We only have one”.Indie scum ride these.


4 responses to “Calvin College Demographics Pt 2: How to be Indie

  1. Pingback: How to Discern Everything « Kaydonthedinosaur’s Weblog

  2. You don’t have to get absolutely old clothes, especially if your a modern indie kid. Which would mean you DO buy from the mall and you DO have clean hair. Being an absolute vegan isn’t necessary either. You don’t even have to be a vegetarian. But that would help your look. Trust me, I’m an indie kid, and I’m a vegetarian but I drink milk.

  3. Pingback: The Woman Who Stole a Piece of My Lung « Kaydonthedinosaur’s Weblog

  4. Pingback: One of the reasons why I don’t have a job | Kaydonthedinosaur’s Weblog

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