How to not be invited to Bible Study

Last entry I eluded to how much of a bastard I am and I have proof of this.

Every dorm on campus has a community bathroom, which you use for number 2 (so you don’t stink up your whole suite) and if you need to use a bathtub, which has something called the CJ log. Clever, no? In this log the floor can discuss stuff or just shoot the breeze and its all anonymous (except my handwriting is very unique). Usually the log on my floor went something like this:

-Why are boys so dumb?

-I don’t know. lol

-Now guys, God made them special

-yeah, “special”

-I hate the rain!

-Yeah!

-All nighters suck

So, its usually just inane drivel, but people still comment on it anyway. But every once in awhile the girls would actually manage to comment on something of interest…which I usually ended up killing, example:

me: so have you all heard about how they are publishing the gospel of Judas

[some comments, some inane and off-topic, some thoughtful. Most implying that Judas was a bad dude]

me: The treatment of Judas has always bothered me. I mean, Christianity needed him more than it needed even Paul. I’m sure he must have gotten some sort of kickback from God or something.

…and I was the thread killer that day.

Generally, I am the single worst person to have in a discussion surrounding the Bible anyway, because I know Greek and you best be sure that I will make sure you know it. I also don’t take shit like using the Old Testament against stuff like Gay marriage but then wearing mixed fabrics and mixing meat and dairy lightly. In short, you better know you stuff, because if you don’t I will thrash you without mercy. I think of it as my public service to Christianity at large but it makes me a super huge bastard.

One fine afternoon the discussion in the CJ log turned to the topic of lust. One girl on the floor whose writing was also distinctive wrote a long sermonette about how you cannot have attraction without lust and hence we are all sinners if we are in romantic relationships (can you guess she had never had a relationship ever?) and quoted the verse where Jesus states that anyone who had even looked at a woman with lust had committed adultery.

I seized on that. I wrote a lengthy rebuttal where I destroyed her argument based on the word lust. You see, in the verse she quoted the Greek word translated as “lust” has the implication of a “movement toward” the intended. So, only if you were to make plans to hook up with the person in question would that verse really apply, not just your run of the mill “Dang, his muscles are nice” thought.It was a great pity, as that girl at that time was applying to be the spiritual leader of the dorm.

Nobody else for the rest of the year would discuss anything Biblical with me and nobody invited me to a Bible stidy all year. And the CJ log returned to inane drivel for the rest of the semester. A little Greek and Textual Criticism goes a long way if your purpose is to destroy the weak pet doctrines of others.

In short, I am a bastard.

Is it just me, or does Adam never seem to be looking Eve in the eye?

How to become a typical Calvie on the move

I have a blog where i will, any day now, start gushing about how traveling aboard has changed my perspective on the world/god’s creation/the fall/redemption/the poor/the least of these/discernment/every other Calvin buzzword or overly-hyped feeling ever.

you can find it  both here:

http://kaydoninyork.wordpress.com/

and on my blogroll. It has lots of pretty pictures.

How to become an epic RA: Phil

While I’m on the topic of RAs, I should say that not all RAs get burned out after a year and sent out to pasture at the apartments. In fact, a select few continue on being RAs in the dorms for two years and in one particularly rare case, three years. Behold the story of Phil, epic and RA enthusiast!

Phil was a mainstay in my dorm when I lived there. He had become an RA his sophomore year, not because of any shortage of qualified applicants (that never happens) but because he was deemed mature enough b/c of several trying events he had gone through freshman year. He got in and never left.

You’d think eventually one might want to leave the cramped conditions of the dorms…but epic RAs are not natural humans, for they never had the normal urge to strike out on their own and to do awesome things like host parties in their house/apartment/duplex, not have to share your kitchen with 30-40 other dudes or to just head out to the bar w/ friends and not have to worry about campus safety.

But no, these peculiar souls are content to host Halo tourtaments and be the object of adoration among the freshman girls in the three sister halls of the dorms. Life just wouldn’t be the same without them.

Old People: A Story of an Usher

My least favorite ushering role is packing people in rows during general admission show. People just don’t like sitting next to strangers.

I was helping a lady find her seat. I guess the Blind Boys of Alabama spit or something because nobody wanted to sit in the front row, but those were some of the few empty seats in the FAC.

“So I can sit here.” She asked, pointed at the open front row seats. I replied in the affirmative.

“Or I could go sit up in those red chairs.” Her eyes were gleaming at the though of sitting in the red Mezz chairs, I could tell.

“Ma’am, those are only for our extremely elderly or handicapped guests.”

“Well I am disabled. My arm, I left my cast in the car but I swear I need it and disabled,” she then pulled up her sleeve to show me a perfectly normal wrist and sped up the stairs toward the red chairs before I could say a word.

Then I had to ask a party of four old people to move one chair down bc there was an open chair in the middle of the row. So I asked the old man sitting closest to the empty seat. He passed this information down to the other three, and apparently the other three were dumb and he had to explain it several times.

“Why,” asked the ancient looking woman next to him, “can’t a person coming in late just sit in that seat?”

So I patiently explained to her that with the lights darkened climbing over people is not only inconvienent for everyone but also dangerous.

“You lady,” said the first old man, “there is a member of our party who has terminal cancer. So much so that we are not even sure she is going to make it through the performance, so we will stay in our seats.”

To any person younger than 73 I would have shouted, “Do not pull that bullshit on me!” Followed by some choice cuss words. But a)even though it was my second-to-last event working as an usher I still did not want to get lectured by Michael or April and b) yelling at old people is considered a no-no.

I cannot wait until I am old, I will be able to get away with whatever I want. And you can be damn sure that I will get away with a lot.

How to nearly lose your life at an Anberlin Show

Each year Calvin brings at least one popular Christian act to the FAC, just so the SAO  can claim that they bring diverse concerts and to attract those at Calvin who listen solely to Christian music (much to the chagrine of their dorm’s CDs).  So tonight was the Anberlin show.

I was explaining this to someone at my door who was questioninh why Calvin, indie epicenter of West Michigan, was hosting Anberlin. Except I made the mistake of mentioning CCM. If you value your life you must never, ever tell a fan of Christian rock (even if its the extremely bland, generic stuff) that they listen to CCM. This hurts their street cred, because then everyone around them will think that they are fans of Amy Grant and Todd Agnew,  so they will lash out in order to prove to others around them that they really are cool.

I got lectured by an Anberlin fan standing near that Anberlin wasn’t CCM because he only listened to Christian alternative and Christian metal bands that nobody has ever heard of, like Spoken. Yes, Spoken is so metal. Which brings up another important part of the Christian rocker identity, they listen to bands you have never heard of or they were fans of the flavor of the week Christian rock band looooooong before anyone else had ever heard of them. They are like lower level indie scum that way.

I, unimpressed by the collection of bands nobody had ever heard of that he was fans of (mostly because I had heard of all of them and had been a fan waaaaaaay back in the day), declared that they were under the wider CCM umbrella and shered him through the door. He looked like he wanted to kill me.

And then some people, according to the very concerned looking Campus Safety officer, almost died crowd surfing and a friend lost her shoe in the mosh (if anyone has an extra shoe, would you mind bringing it to the lost and found?).

According to a t-shirt I saw all night, these guys throw axes, not grenades

How to get a catchy, yet bad song written about you

Word of advice for you younger and more naive kids out there. Don’t date the lead singer in a “metal” band. You will just break up and then he will write a song about you that is only released in Europe.  It will also incorporate a rhyme scheme that elementary school poets will think is quite clever (but no one else). But it will be extremely catchy and I will sing it for days.

But fear not, they will break up shortly and then it will surface on their myspace page.

So the next time you see the E2 RA, you have my explicit permission to belt out the following:

“Hold me hold me clooooooose,
I can’t be mended!
Even even nooooow,
I can’t be mended!

Now that I’m freeeeeeee
The world can truly seee
That I can never be
Your lover!

Now that I’m freeeeeee
everyone will seeee
that I can never be
Your lover!

[insert some screaming of key phrases in the chorus here]“

Now that’s what I call metal!

How to Survive a Norovirus Plague

We all know that God hates those at Hope College because the aren’t really Reformed like us at Calvin. Need proof? They shut down their campus due to an outbreak of Norovirus, which is some sort of stomach flu. What more proof does one need?

But since there are those in the Calvin community that associate with the college that God hates, we might have this thing coming to our beloved by the Lord campus.

Forget the 15 e-mails you recieve each day from John Witte and the like, here’s how to really survive the Plague ‘08:

• If anyone in any of your classes so much as coughs quickly reach into your bag and tear into one of the 15  bag of vitamin C drops your have purchased that day
• Let your Facebook status reflect your concern about the Plague with up-to-the-minute information. This will let you look informed (even if half of it is rumor) and it will let everyone else know that it is safe to hang out with you as you would never hang out with a sick person.
• Report your roommate…even if they just have something as minor as a cold or sprained ankle
• Refuse to go to the dining halls, linger after classes in the academic buildings, use the phone or drink anything other than gatorade. In fact, don’t even bother to come out of your room or open your mouth to talk to a roommate
• Freak out because you can’t afford to get sick. Stress always helps these sort of situations.

You can thank me later

How to survive Family weekend

Last weekend was Family Weekend at Calvin. It is a weekend eagerly looked forward to by homesick freshmen, envied by starving upper classmen that wish their parents would come and take them out to eat, and loathed by many who work on campus. Many of these parents are alumni and thus get all nostalgic in the hallways and some are new parents trying to figure out the campus, but whatever catagory they fall into the result is the same: they will block all the doorways they possibly can, clog hallway traffic, take your seat in class and generally make nuisances of themselves.

How to Survive:

1. Go to class early. It’s a freaking pain in the arse, but it must be done if you want your seat and don’t feel like being stuck behind a family of ten from Montana slowly meandering, taking up the entire width of the hall!, through Spoelhoff.
2. DO NOT MAKE EYE-CONTACT. This goes double if the parents/grandparents are without a student of guide. This means that they are lost and will ask you for directions…which they will not understand because it is impossible to given good directions around campus (which everyone who has spent even 15 minutes wandering campus will understand).
3. If you are asked a question speak slowly and w/out acronyms, which is harder than hell for a Calvin student.
4. Always be on the move. If you are the lone kid on your floor sitting there w/out visitors (even if you are quite content to be w/out visitors) the weird kid down the floor’s parents will pity you and drag yout out to eat with them. Extreme awkwardness will ensue as his/her parents tell you waaaaaaay too much info about baby Johanna’s/Matt’s eating habits.  If you were friends with this kid before kiss your friendship goodbye.
5. If your significant other’s folks come up you will be forced to surrender your weekend. But at least they’ll take you out to eat.
6. Stay away from the banquet, I’ve eaten better at Knollcrest.
7. Try not to swear to much at how much your life is being inconvienced, the parents next to you in Johnny’s will not understand that that is simply how dinosaurs communicate.
8. If you are working that weekend on campus, practise your fake smile, you will need it. It also doesn’t hurt to memorize exactly how you will tell people where the nearest bathrooms are, as this will be the most frequent question you will recieve.
9. Buy some earplugs. There will be little kids constantly screaming.

How to Teach Science at a Christian College/University (part two)

A very important part of teaching science at a Christian college or university is to try to prove to your students that, despite what they may have been previously taught, science is the Christian thing to do. In fact, you should take this further and assert that only Christians have done science.

This is a tricky thing to do but easier if you realize that homeschooling and the poor state of affairs in both private and public high school education has already done half your work for you. You see, most students,  if they do know anything at all of history before the industrial revolution, have gotten into the habit of seeing the past through a mirror darkly, to use a common metaphor. The past to them is savage, dominated by periods of draconian laws interspersed with periods of decadent sinfullness which always had the constant glow of superstitious barbarism.

So it isn’t hard to convince students that “science” began in the 1700s and that before that time that people literally believed that each night the sun fought an epic battle with the night and that each river had it’s own god. And since we are using the definition of “science” which exclusively means “Science of the West” and that in the 1700s most of the West was Christian (even if just in name only)…viola! Christianity invented science!

This is also an opportunity to interject the Bible into classes again, to continue to ease those students who have been taught to view science as suspect into a lull.

Never, ever mention Galileo or those who were persecuted by the Inquisition or the fact that the church frowned upon Michelangelo inspected dead bodies. In fact, there should be no need to, as science began in the 1700s (and the Catholics aren’t really “Christian” anyways and thus are prone to act in batshit insane ways and that the church has been the only thing ever persecuted in the history of the world).

And there has never been any dissent to Darwin’s theory by the church. Ever. Only wackjob fundamentalists during the modern era have a problem with it. Totally ignore the fact that the very institution in which you teach had a major flare-up between itself and its demoninational body that it belongs to in the 1990s over this very issue.

And should you have a student who actually knows that, yes what we now call the scientific method was devoloped in the 1800s but that nothing develops in a vacuum, that as early as we have records men have sought to create a record of the natural world devoid of pat spititual explanation, that your preferred religion burned down the library at Alexandria and other books which didn’t jive with their thought, that it is no surprise that western science developed during the Enlightenment with the advent of freethinking and that only recently has most of the church come to peace with germ theory, evolution, helicentrism and astrophysics you should only give her half credit.

Postulated that the sun was a white-hot rock millenia before it was cool

How to Turn Everything into a Devotional or Sermon

There is nothing more satisfying for Christians, it seems, than linking everything with God. Hang out long enough with young, hip and educated Christians and you will see it done well, the older set who are trying to “reach out to” or connect with younger audiences do it much less well.

An example, many, many years ago when the Matrix first came out it was denounced by many in the churched community because it made violence sexy and fun. “But wait!” a young philosopher cried. “It is actually a complex metaphor for Christ!” After that, one couldn’t escape sermons on the Matrix, clips of it being shown in services or Bible studies, books on the relationship between Neo and Christ and all sorts of bizarre kitschy things which Christian bookstores specialize in linking the two.

To be certain, The Matrix was a bit of a challenge. Other movies are easier to subject to this. Any sports movie ever made is a ripe candidate for this process, as are Mel Gibson movies like Braveheart or The Patriot if you belong to a more militant sect of Protestantism.

And, like the Christian music industry, this process is always looking for new genres and styles to latch onto. Case in point: The Office. A funny and delightful show, yes, but lost much of it’s appeal for me when Ken Heffner “discerned” it properly for us during orientation.

And yes, Cultural Discernment plays a key part in this. I told you this phrase was overused!

But this practice has a much more odious application, it kills humor. It is a well-known fact that Christian “comedians” do humor very badly. While they try hard (a little too hard) their humor fails in the way that Jeff Foxworthy’s oftentimes succeeds. The “you might be a redneck…” punchline works because it unabashedly looks at and mocks mercilessly a group that the comedian belongs to. Christians take themselves much too seriously for this to ever happen. Take a look at the reaction movies or books which poke fun at the religion receive and how often Christian “comedy” publications must, it seems, offer a few cheesy melodramatic scenes or serious conversion scenes in order to be lauded.

In short, a sermon or devotion MUST follow the humor in order to make it acceptable in the Christian subculture. Enter the lifeless blog, Stuff Christians Like (have I mentioned yet that the Christian subculture has yet to come up with an idea completely it’s own?). I’d rather not link to it, as I’m sure you all can find it on your own.

While the theme of the blog is a worthy idea ripe with hilarity the author kills it. How? A sermon is wrapped up in each and every tasty morsel of supposedly self-deprecating humor. The author will often latch right onto a great nugget, such as “Making God Emo” or “The three types of Pastors’ wives” and throwing in a charming anecdote about this lovely missions trip he went on that “the eyes of his heart” or other such drivel or trying to explain that wife #2 came to be grumpy via a bad church.

…I could give more examples, but I’m off to a Bible Study where I’m sure we’ll discuss how Christ comes through in the new “Sex in the City” Movie or the latest Coldplay album!