Calvin Events to Attend: Cokes and Clubs

The key thing to remember about this event: There really is no coke ( Calvin is a Pepsi campus) and there is no cocaine either (we may be the liberal scum of the Christian College universe but we’ll never go there). “Cokes” and Clubs evidently sounds better than “Pepsi” and Clubs, or maybe Coke is considered cooler amongst the indie crowd-we will never know.

What to expect: Tables will form a horseshoe on Common’s Lawn and give you candy in order to entice you to join a club. By the end of the day you will have put yourself on 51 different mailing lists, on the first day of classes no less. And a lot of clubs you will have put yourself on the mailing list for because you felt bad taking the candy while ignoring the sale’s pitch of the earnest face behind the desk, and because it is implied that Jesus himself would join their club had he gone to Calvin College circa 2008 because he really cares about the environment, sociology, the Simpsons, hardcore music, etc, etc.

What to avoid: Bible Bonanza, me yelling at you to join the rugby team or whatever else I’m campaigning for that day, Chimes (they are so desperate it’s frightening) and those vegan indie scum.

How to fit in: If you are there w/out a pack of friends scurry around frantically, firmly believing that you will make no friends or be looked down upon if you do not join a club. If you are in a pack of people adopt the sheeple mentality (we are Christians, after all, and quite good at it) and only sign up for things the others sign up for. In either case you should hoard as much free Pepsi as you can.